Had a thought. By the time I opened this space..it's swum away.
dang it. What was it......this is scary. I am like a goldfish now. ok..let's keep this page open. It might swim back into my view.
Have to send a card for S. She is turning 9!
Yest someone asked me, and almost every one asks it in the most genuinely natural manner "Why did you not settle abroad as you had the opportunity".
I always am at a loss to explain my brain does not work that way. I never figured out how to. And I have tried telling them but NO ONE EVER believes me. So now I have formulated the answer I feel is the most easy to be accepted. And people nod in understanding and drop the topic.
And it's not a lie either. It's certainly true feelings of mine..ONLY it is not the reason why I did not settle abroad. I just had no opportunity that I could see was clearly an option.
People refuse to believe that! So I tell them..I never tried hard really because I felt it was too lonely in the west for a single girl. I prefer being close to my parents who are happy being here. AND all of that is true enough.
The part they don't believe, but which is more pertinently true, is I did not see any way for it to happen. I did not go there to study. I am still confused whether I can bear the politics and harsh judgemental dynamics of a school where you need to appear cool else someone is giving you hell.
I just never could figure out how to be cool. The cool factor terrifies me. It is like that maths problem I know I can never solve. While those who can, ask you useless questions like why can't you solve it? It's so easy? If I knew why I can't, I would have solved it people! Oh the irony.
And I was never great at my job where a magical, career path with possibilities is open to me. I am as OK as many and just chugging along. I never figure out how to get ahead in a queue from amongst a group of people.
Let's go back to my childhood. I was the kid in the playground always lost. Never able to understand whether anyone was playing with me, or was I running along with a bunch who were playing their own game. I ALWAYS felt like that. I often would sit alone, or under a tree or on a swing...until a bunch of them would come and ask me to play and I would go along with quivering hope..only to shortly start feeling lost and clueless and unseen again.
The play ground at best confused me and at worst scared me. BUT I always...100% of the time as far as I can recall, felt I was in the wrong place and did not belong. sitting in the sidelines and watching other kids play, wishing you could be as cool and confident and self assured does not help in personality development or inner Joy. No.
Oh yeah another thought I had in the morning, which I just felt is a true insight:
Thinking is a dead thing. It must have originated from a cave or a grave.
A man, even a being in real nature, cannot afford to 'think'. You will be dead on your feet if you stood thinking. Nature will engage you. And you must follow. Run when you have to. sleep when you have to. Eat when you have to. Sex when you have to. BUT thinking is twisted. Thinking looks sideways at what it wants and goes around in circles pretending to go away while coming at it.
Thinking tells desire and instinct it is crude to be direct and you must build complicated codes and reasons to get what you want. You must deserve it. Wanting is not deserving until there is a reason you are entitled to get what you want. This desire to find a reason other than natural desire...is the working of death. Life lives. Death pretends to live.
It is always so. But Death and thought are so cunning they even make you believe you breathe because you think!
I wonder if this is making sense...I mean I am not able to really articulate it and illustrate with examples. But it is true in this much. Thinking is a dead activity.
Shivji fascinates me. His meditation signifying, the universe thinking is always in a graveyard or cremation ground! always.
Shivji is most beautiful and alive when he dances. And he dances to his own beats. The music is made with the rhythm of his dance.
Unlike Music. I wonder if Music is as alive as dance is. People can be moved by music, without being fully engaged. They could be shelling peas while listening to music or even singing.
But when you really dance, you just dance. And if you are watching a dance, you can only breathe. Doing anything else while watching dance and you will miss something. same for when you are dancing. You have to be there. Fully present. No half in and half out. That is why to me, dance is superior.
dang it. What was it......this is scary. I am like a goldfish now. ok..let's keep this page open. It might swim back into my view.
Have to send a card for S. She is turning 9!
Yest someone asked me, and almost every one asks it in the most genuinely natural manner "Why did you not settle abroad as you had the opportunity".
I always am at a loss to explain my brain does not work that way. I never figured out how to. And I have tried telling them but NO ONE EVER believes me. So now I have formulated the answer I feel is the most easy to be accepted. And people nod in understanding and drop the topic.
And it's not a lie either. It's certainly true feelings of mine..ONLY it is not the reason why I did not settle abroad. I just had no opportunity that I could see was clearly an option.
People refuse to believe that! So I tell them..I never tried hard really because I felt it was too lonely in the west for a single girl. I prefer being close to my parents who are happy being here. AND all of that is true enough.
The part they don't believe, but which is more pertinently true, is I did not see any way for it to happen. I did not go there to study. I am still confused whether I can bear the politics and harsh judgemental dynamics of a school where you need to appear cool else someone is giving you hell.
I just never could figure out how to be cool. The cool factor terrifies me. It is like that maths problem I know I can never solve. While those who can, ask you useless questions like why can't you solve it? It's so easy? If I knew why I can't, I would have solved it people! Oh the irony.
And I was never great at my job where a magical, career path with possibilities is open to me. I am as OK as many and just chugging along. I never figure out how to get ahead in a queue from amongst a group of people.
Let's go back to my childhood. I was the kid in the playground always lost. Never able to understand whether anyone was playing with me, or was I running along with a bunch who were playing their own game. I ALWAYS felt like that. I often would sit alone, or under a tree or on a swing...until a bunch of them would come and ask me to play and I would go along with quivering hope..only to shortly start feeling lost and clueless and unseen again.
The play ground at best confused me and at worst scared me. BUT I always...100% of the time as far as I can recall, felt I was in the wrong place and did not belong. sitting in the sidelines and watching other kids play, wishing you could be as cool and confident and self assured does not help in personality development or inner Joy. No.
Oh yeah another thought I had in the morning, which I just felt is a true insight:
Thinking is a dead thing. It must have originated from a cave or a grave.
A man, even a being in real nature, cannot afford to 'think'. You will be dead on your feet if you stood thinking. Nature will engage you. And you must follow. Run when you have to. sleep when you have to. Eat when you have to. Sex when you have to. BUT thinking is twisted. Thinking looks sideways at what it wants and goes around in circles pretending to go away while coming at it.
Thinking tells desire and instinct it is crude to be direct and you must build complicated codes and reasons to get what you want. You must deserve it. Wanting is not deserving until there is a reason you are entitled to get what you want. This desire to find a reason other than natural desire...is the working of death. Life lives. Death pretends to live.
It is always so. But Death and thought are so cunning they even make you believe you breathe because you think!
I wonder if this is making sense...I mean I am not able to really articulate it and illustrate with examples. But it is true in this much. Thinking is a dead activity.
Shivji fascinates me. His meditation signifying, the universe thinking is always in a graveyard or cremation ground! always.
Shivji is most beautiful and alive when he dances. And he dances to his own beats. The music is made with the rhythm of his dance.
Unlike Music. I wonder if Music is as alive as dance is. People can be moved by music, without being fully engaged. They could be shelling peas while listening to music or even singing.
But when you really dance, you just dance. And if you are watching a dance, you can only breathe. Doing anything else while watching dance and you will miss something. same for when you are dancing. You have to be there. Fully present. No half in and half out. That is why to me, dance is superior.
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