Sridevi

2.28.2018 - Where do I start?

There is so much to say, that all those feelings and thoughts rush in all at once and I am overwhelmed and freeze. I literally do not know where to begin and where to end and there is so much that could be said, but never enough.

Let me start with what I am feeling now. The last few days, ever since 25th feb morning when the world heard of this dastardly news of the death of Indian movie Super Mega Star Sridevi, I have been in grief.

Infact, like millions when I saw the Whatsapp message by my Sis in Law at 6 in the morning as I woke up, I dismissed it as a stupid joke. 

I went to the loo, came back and looked at my phone again thinking, what was that I read? I saw two other whatsapp messages by two different people saying the same. By now I was fully awake in shock. How! why! Impossible!!!! 

In fact that is what I instinctively typed and almost sent.."No way!". But I paused. If three unconnected people had messaged me, what was going on.

I went on Google, and it hit me like a kick in the gut. Proper mainstream news websites were headlining it.

And then the ugly media circus of gossip, sensational speculation begun. I don't want to waste words here, at how sick it all is, except, looking at how dirty our press is, and how easily their bull shit is given attention, all I will say I feel, is I wish fame upon no one.

I Totally get why God is silent, invisible and probably happy being considered a myth. Such fickle minded attention, that will shamelessly, thoughtlessly believe the worst of you, is an attention one better live without.

Sridevi was my love and indeed my first and only obsession, starting from an age where I was so innocent, that it always makes me smile how innocent I was. Suffice it to say, I genuinely, unquestionably believed in Heaven that was like Indralok described in Hindi films, I believed In magical, golden glittery Gods and Angels, believed in flying carpets and such whimsical dazzling things. And I thought, Sridevi was the beautifullest of Apsaras from that Land of Gods.

And I was very vocal about my admiration. If anybody told me they did not like Sridevi, I was genuinely baffled and often would get into a really innocent and earnest discussion, because I could not believe any one couldn't like her. It was baffling to me and my earnestness made people laugh or get irritated at me. It earned me a lot of mockery as well, but with my pea brain, I thought it was impossible for anyone not to like SriDevi, and if they didn't they were probably jealous.

I was literally mesmerized by every visual, photo, appearance of her. I would stand still in front of the TV, unblinking till her song ran or her scene played. Anyways...some 20 years later, the obsession simply subsided, replaced by a unshakeable fondness and admiration for her.  But I was not crazy in love anymore. I did not dream for months on end, that somehow I will wake up looking like her or become her daughter.

She got married, left the movies, and we would see photos of her being the perfect mom, doting on her daughters, the perfect demure and pretty wife, epitome of grace and beauty in every single public appearance. She would give rare interviews, but being a once crazy fan I lapped each one of them, and filed them away in my memory.

I would note, with a quiet pride, that she always spoke in gracious terms or spoke nothing at all. Inspite of various theories that people felt the need to express about her, she spoke with unquestionable respect of her mother, and father. She never spoke ill of anyone. She never complained for one second about the childhood she had. Never. Ever. In every interview she spoke well of her hubby and her actions were anyways always louder. 

She had a hard life. She never said it, but undoubtedly her family exploited her and she was their workhorse and livelihood. They all made their lives and fortunes off of Sridevi's stupendous stardom. And it appears they were ungrateful and entitled about it. BUT, never did Sridevi complain.

She was sheltered (read restricted) and deprived of an education. Her finances were handled solely by her mother. A lot of people who can't wait to accuse Sridevi of being a home breaker, don't seem to grasp any human nuance.

I find it pointless to argue with them and they have the sacred privilege to decide what they think and feel, but I feel a few things very strongly.

I feel so heavy....I will come back and pick up from here tomorrow. For now...my beautiful Apsara is in heaven...on a swing and the very Gods and angels are probably singing her praises for a life well lived.

My love for you is timeless, spaceless and weightless. It just is. Sridevi, it's a point that need not be discussed, nor can it be disputed. You are immensely loved and your legacy is profound....it crosses any barriers of time and it will carry on for longer than we will be around to measure.

Love you. 

3.6.2018: Last few days were filled with an obsession about trying to come to terms with the shock of your death, because clearly it makes no sense.
But yesterday it reached a crescendo; I felt my heart just racing, thumping against my chest in uneasiness. I felt a unnamed dread. If this can happen to you, when you were so good, proper, religious, If God would let such a cruel fate befall you, what is in store for us. I could not sleep and became weirdly frantic with worry. Finally had to light lamps, wear self styled amulets and chant Gayatri Mantra, then listen to Vedic hymns, but all to no avail. Finally as dawn broke, I caught some sleep.

It is time to accept that no matter how intense my obsession, I cannot "think" and figure out the mystery surrounding your death.

Was it an accident, was it suicide, was it murder. Why if any of this. why why why. No it will never make sense ever. And I need, for my own mental and physical health,  need to let go and accept that I will never know. I give up, knowing that I have no power or agency to figure this out. 

Your Legendary genius as an artiste, and superstar is something millions of words by 1000's of people...maybe a million people actually or a billion, have already been dedicated. I could just about repeat the same.

Good Bye....I was hearing Elizabeth Taylor's NDE experience. If NDE is true, then you are now fine. If My dream is anything to  take as a clue..the one I shared with S, then you have reached the other side and warmly welcomed. You have other shores to conquer now. Good bye........shine bright and live happy where ever you now are.

2.22.2018 - A really weird story

In the tradition of daily just looking for new stories, I came across this one.

I had a good walk and am somewhat hungry. And I don't know why, I actually start doing office work only around 6 pm.

Here is the link to a really odd story on BBC.

This man was able to fool an entire family ...well the mom, who stayed a fool all her life, albeit a sincere fool, and dragged her helpless children into that web of foolishness with complete sincerity, convinced by the lies of a man, who seemed so pleasant and believable! 

Astounding.....this is the strangest thing I ever read.......

http://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42951788

Rayya Elias - Author: Harley Loco

Last year sometime I read this book, Harley Loco by Rayya Elias. I heard of Rayya Elias, because she became the Lesbian love and eventually the spouse of author Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert of the "Eat Pray Love". A phenomenon as a book, a memoir, and a phenomenon because it was so honest, emotional and aspirational and relatable.

Like me millions of women (maybe men too) were inspired, excited and enamored. It was so bleak, sad and yet so hopeful and triumphant. Who does not like that arc? Like no one...because everyone loves a story with that journey, and if it's true, it is a recipe to fall in love with.

At the beginning of Eat Pray Love, the author having walked out of a dead end marriage, a failed hopeless love affair, set out on a Journey of self love & self discovery, and at the end of it, seemed to not only find the rainbow, but a pot of Gold.

She was healed, happy and found new mature love! So, when nearly 10 years later, 9 of which she was married to her husband Jose' Nunes, she announced her split and divorce from Husband because she had realized she was romantically inclined towards a female friend Rayya Elias.

And she also said interestingly that she may not have acknowledged those feelings in herself, had she not been forced to face that her best friend was dying. Rayya Elias was diagnosed with Terminal Pancreatic and Liver cancer.
She passed away after a period of painful illness on Jan 4 2018.

I tend to believe that liz Gilbert is honest and sincere in her expression of her feelings. It is not the first time heterosexual men/women have realized that they care for someone from their own gender.

Maybe Sexuality is gender fluid. Maybe love is a by product of emotional intimacy and so is sexual feeling. Who knows. we live in a very confusing world, where every social order is spoken as if it is normal and then another story tells how it is not normal for that particular story! Ha ha.

So because I was surely curious and while I have sometimes been put-off by the Florence nightingale, self-help guru, world's love savior activist avatar of Liz Gilbert, I still resonate with her gift of expression and many of her spoken and experienced truths as a reader. That connection is true, and holds true regardless of private political opinions or personality of the writer. And therefore I did want to read the book (another memoir, a genre I just love) of her love interest...

I bought the kindle version of Harley Loco and I think in less than a week, if not 2-3 days, I finished the book. I even wrote a messenger review to the author that  must have been complimentary. Can't find it on FB.

But today came across this review on her book. And felt...the article writer just wanted to sound clever or something but what was the review? A 1000 words and nothing tangible conveyed. Did he like it? He seems to accept with disdain that some might like it. He harps that the memoir did not capture history of it's times well....well..WTF? It is a memoir, not a documentary of the decade .....I hate such pretentious reviews by pricks.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/10091954/Harley-Loco-by-Rayya-Elias-review.html


Here is another, better review that captures some of what I felt.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/jun/14/harley-loco-rayya-elias-review

After reading the book, I understood Rayya had pain and bewilderment and took to paths that were wrong, but I guess I no more understood why, she took to that path, any more than Rayya herself would have. But she was remarkably honest, gutsy and genuine and it speaks to that, that in the end, she was truly truly loved.

It is amazing to see the love Liz Gilbert had for her. Has for her. At
 once tender and fierce and loyal.

I pray Liz emerges from this somehow happy and strong. 

2.21.2018

Just walked into office. A nice day. The maid did a lot of work around the house by her own initiative. She talks a lot, but she is a good soul overall.

The day is warm. The winter I daresay is officially over. Spent a good 10 mins trying and finally succeeding in stuffing the quilt back into it's tiny plastic zipped bag. Quite a invigorating workout.

Somehow, day feels very happy. Everyone feels light. Met I  in the lift. That Sardarji always makes me laugh. He is rather witty.

So at my desk and R, who has herself lost a significant amount of weight following a regimen of good diet and yoga, asked me if I was dieting because I seemed to have lost weight.

I told her that I was not dieting which is 100% true. But with the shock of S's death, where for a few days I really couldn't eat well out of stress and shock really, and then immediately falling sick with a cold, I didn't eat my usual for over 2 weeks and that must be showing. Yesterday Papa also commented same.

Since I feel lighter and better overall, other than the strange pain around right side of my chest, sometime my heart area on left side, and sometimes mid back on right side, as well as the right arm and forearm, where there is this strange pain at a sudden angle..sometimes radiating to the right thumb for over a few months now...other than this I feel pretty healthy.


So came across this guy on You tube running a You Tube channel called "mindbodyspirit". He is a young man...28..and is a calm, relaxed, intelligent speaker. He has been meditating since he was 8. And he has produced good content of Affirmations and Law of Attraction. I liked listening and tend to agree to a lot he says as it resonates.


I sat down to work, logged in and as usual my mind goes "find a story" rather than do work. Ha ha. Nothing new. Story telling should be my work man! And Amen to that.

For some reason ..and I think the association would be 'Meditation' Vinod Khanna popped to my mind. Vinod Khanna, besides being a superstar in the 70's and late 80's was also a very famous disciple of the often infamous Osho Rajneesh. And while Osho rose to and fell from grace, Vinod Khanna, as a simple, solid, dependable, emotionally uncomplicated pathan, remained loyal to his Guru through any public image. When I witness my Cousin Bhaiya R, display similar unshakable faith in Asaram Bapu, I understand this to a certain level. 

I don't fully comprehend it...but I recognize this loyalty. I have seen it in several people. I really explain it as a conviction of the heart that cannot be shaken from outside. If it shatters anytime, it has to be from inside only.

So came across this website/blog on Vinod Khanna. Reading it with a degree of interest.
https://www.thequint.com/entertainment/vinod-khanna-birthday-osho-rajneesh-bollywood-osho-ashram-akshaye-khanna-bjp-mp-gurdaspur-lok-sabha-elections

Nothing new....I have read all of these similar tid bits several times before, over the years, but still....

Also listening to "Heartfulness Meditation" by a certain Daaji. Interesting listening. He calls for focusing on the heart area but emphasizes it is not concentration. At present I cannot figure out how there is a difference and he maintains that distinction, but pleasant listening no doubt.

Anyways, the blog started and ended. Disappointing.

So what now...nothing.

Depression

The big D.

Everyone has it..sometime or the other. Some dwell in it longer. On some it lingers longer.





Sometimes it is that ditch we fall into. Sometimes it is that black cloud that engulfs us. Like a spell of bad weather. You have to endure it. You can hide and shield yourself in some protective layers, but you know that you are trying to counter that weather and endure it in as much comfort as possible.
Sometimes we take those steps, and fall into the ditch of depression. And for some of us the ditch at times runs too deep. Difficult to climb out of, especially if we don't ask for help, or can't get help. That's another thing. I believe when no one can hear or Help, God can. We have to ask though.
At other times, we may have done nothing to invite depression, but like the weather and climate we cannot control, it comes and overwhelms us.
What pisses me is...depression today for some reason has become like a social badge. People start comparing their depressions. "I am more depressed" becomes some kind of character statement. Some kind of social status. 
You can't by mistake say "I am feeling depressed, not sure why" before a well meaning friend pounces on you with a veneer of suspicion " What kind of depression? Have you been diagnosed? As in clinically diagnosed? Because I have a certificate from a doc. I even went on prescription pills".
There are about 4-5 friends at a conservative estimate, and I won't even count the acquaintances, that have done this with me over the past few years. Other than the fact that I find it silly (to be polite and spare the french), I find it baffling!
While feeling depressed or having felt depressed is no matter of shame ever, neither is it a bloody achievement. AND what actually pisses me off, and I have to just bite my tongue not to retort, is when you start talking about your mood and your friend starts talking about how they had or have "genuine" depression, and have a certificate to show for it and "Have I been diagnosed?".
To one such friend in Pune....who I know is a wonderful person, kind person and was doing this quite unconsciously, I finally had to ask ...."Hey, I am not doubting you felt depressed. It is perfectly normal. But why is this sounding like a competition, as to whose depression is bigger? And why do I need to know you are clinically diagnosed. Is this a permanent disease or state you are in? And people who don't go and pay a doctor and get diagnosed are not depressed?".
That pushed her into silence and she realized what she was coming off sounding like. Now I have also learnt to just purse my lips, when I see this. I think a lot of people feel the need to "belong" even if it is to a "Depressed and diagnosed with anxiety n blah blah club".
I hope this idiotic trend wears off. I find it nonsense. I don't need a doctor to tell me, when I feel hot, cold, happy, unhappy, depressed, have a migraine, a pain in my toe and etc.
If I don't know my truth, no certificate can make it be known to me. Why people don't get that basic...why that fundamental common sense is missing from most people on the planet beats me. But it is alarming and irritating. Between me and my feelings, I don't need a doctor, a interpreter, a certificate giver. I connect to myself, without middlemen of dubious qualifications.
Having said that, not that I am feeling depressed right now. And over the past decade...ever since entering my 30's, I have just never fallen into that deep ditch of depression. Now the ditches are smaller, and I know the drill. I have developed my own mechanisms to deal and climb out.
And sometimes the clouds of depression, that bafflingly descend, seemingly without a rhyme or reason, lift faster. I believe that the reason I ever got lifted out of crushing depression in the first place was Prayer and grace. Sensitive people, who don't have a strong rational, statistical, practical mind need prayer. Infact, I don't want rationalists to come at me with a hatchet, but I sincerely believe, that when you do get afflicted with a very deep dark depression, then you CANNOT think yourself out of it. You need God's grace, to lift you out of it.
And by God, I do not mean religion. I just mean a God, a higher power, higher being, higher consciouness, divine order, Supreme Grace...whatever.
But  I knew...I figured it out as a teen, that the world makes sense. There is order. Only it does not make sense to me. But it must make sense to someone...and that someone is God and my friend. Frankly my God has always been that simple and kind.
And when I somehow, because I was not brought up religiously and we had no tradition of prayer in my household, came up with some sort of prayer ritual, all my own, patched together from hearing stories from Mohan Mamaji or reading books or watching movies, or hearing others, or God knows what process of Osmosis, Just got down on my knees and spoke to a God I was not sure was there but I would still believe was there, I got help. I got uplifted and raised. And I got lifted out of the bottom less pit and delivered to the doorstep of Heaven...of Love. The gates were open and nobody to stop me. I had to do nothing to  deserve to go sit on the swing with the Goddess of love. She in her radiant, indescribable beauty, just smiled at me and beckoned me. I just had to take that decision and go up to her, and let her love me.  From that day, to this, that knowledge has never left me. No matter which dark alley I tumble into, I have the knowledge that there is a open Golden door, Goddess is there and it is Always, Always open for me.
I will always find my way home...I know I am not abandoned nor will ever be rejected. And to each and every God, I thank for this grace.

But I don't need anyone to tell me in a written word and certified document, a truth I recognize by observation and self experience.

That everyone is prone to depression and sadness. Every person..if they live a length of time, will

experience it.

2.6.2018

It is a Tuesday.

Today I had a good meditation, using Sam Harris's 26 minute Mindfulness routine. I just descended into yummy relaxation. I was at that level where I then slept..snored and was aware I was snoring and sleeping. It was something strange, yet felt good.

I feel that I have finally released T and S out of my system. It is now clear..has sunk in that S has left for heaven. She will always be remembered in the best of lights, but with the knowledge that she is no more...accepted at every level, it is easy now to carry on without that dampening sadness.

And T is released with good will. I don't feel the need to be friends again. And neither does she. Her very pointed formality has helped. She wants me to know she is happy and at peace and can't remember why we had a difference but that it does not matter. I could not agree more. We finally came to the same page on that. This is like the most amiable divorce :). Ha ha.

I feel clean. Ready for new friends, and a new day and new leanings. There are no hooks from the past, slowing me down...dragging my mind in unanswered questions and status of...did it end well?

It ended. Properly. Each party is happy and well and there is no past score to settle.

Yesterday discovered the poetry of Rupi Kaur. I felt it was me writing...and I marvel that she can be that revealing without feeling mortified. The sheer guts of it is impressive.

Listening to her TED talk, I felt it was a bit exaggerated and theatrical, but still, strip that away and I feel it is honest. No wonder then that she is a celebrity. She connected to several guts...gut to gut.

It feels good writing. I think the meditation made me too peaceful. Strange day at office. Hardly anyone is in office. All are out and about. I need to finish my work.

Yesterday's massage at the spa felt really good ....and I seem to be losing weight..slowly but steadily in an organic way, without dieting. Die Eating.

Hmmm...My neck is..back of my neck and my skull is sore and tender if I crane my neck left right or movie it suddenly.

Today the stock market seems to be going cuckoo all over the world man...wonder what is going on!!!

Ok....time to end this interlude and get back to work!

Just reflecting...daily dose of writing

Another Monday. No complaints. Glad to be alive. Especially after what happened ....with S dying in NYC. 

A shock to the mind and the system. No comparison with the grief that her own family suffered but it shocked all of her friends. I loved her, her spirit, her personality. She had her demons..we all do. But still when we met, what more often came through was this fun, charming, super intelligent personality. 

A deep girl, with many layers. Ambitious, full of plans and desires, and a planner. And such an amazing Joie di vivre. She loved food, it was also the beast she fought the most. She was like many of us, an emotional eater.

She was a charming, engaging conversationalist.

Food she used to quell those feelings. And food she used to quell food feelings and the hunger it fueled that could never be satisfied. Like any drug that we use to feel good, it becomes a monster and demands we be it's slave.

And yet..inspite of what food became to her...a love, hate relationship, she did very well. Flew down with M to Kochi for her funeral. It was emotional, draining and gutting. I tried not to look, though I was virtually forced to eventually. Her mom sat where her body was put for viewing for a long long time, and insisted to everyone to meet S and say goodbye. I did take a sideways look...as brief as I possibly could make it.

The body there vaguely resembled her. Was not her. And the body did not make any kind of sense to me. What will that look reveal?

Sadhguru's words, suddenly came to my mind and kept ringing in my ears; "I am not the Body, I am not the mind".

And as I stood there crying...drained...upset I knew that Sadhguru was 100% correct. What remains with me of S or with anyone is not her body. Nor her millions of spoken words or opinions, as they are but a heap of impressions.

What remains is memory. Feelings that then embed in one's consciousness and come to the mind when you see, hear or smell something. Mind and Body then just become mediums to portray this consciousness.

I have a stiff neck. tension..tightness. Time to go get a little spa massage done. 

Have work to do, which  I will finish tonight at home.