The big D.
Everyone has it..sometime or the other. Some dwell in it longer. On some it lingers longer.
Sometimes it is that ditch we fall into. Sometimes it is that black cloud that engulfs us. Like a spell of bad weather. You have to endure it. You can hide and shield yourself in some protective layers, but you know that you are trying to counter that weather and endure it in as much comfort as possible.
Sometimes we take those steps, and fall into the ditch of depression. And for some of us the ditch at times runs too deep. Difficult to climb out of, especially if we don't ask for help, or can't get help. That's another thing. I believe when no one can hear or Help, God can. We have to ask though.
At other times, we may have done nothing to invite depression, but like the weather and climate we cannot control, it comes and overwhelms us.
What pisses me is...depression today for some reason has become like a social badge. People start comparing their depressions. "I am more depressed" becomes some kind of character statement. Some kind of social status.
You can't by mistake say "I am feeling depressed, not sure why" before a well meaning friend pounces on you with a veneer of suspicion " What kind of depression? Have you been diagnosed? As in clinically diagnosed? Because I have a certificate from a doc. I even went on prescription pills".
There are about 4-5 friends at a conservative estimate, and I won't even count the acquaintances, that have done this with me over the past few years. Other than the fact that I find it silly (to be polite and spare the french), I find it baffling!
While feeling depressed or having felt depressed is no matter of shame ever, neither is it a bloody achievement. AND what actually pisses me off, and I have to just bite my tongue not to retort, is when you start talking about your mood and your friend starts talking about how they had or have "genuine" depression, and have a certificate to show for it and "Have I been diagnosed?".
To one such friend in Pune....who I know is a wonderful person, kind person and was doing this quite unconsciously, I finally had to ask ...."Hey, I am not doubting you felt depressed. It is perfectly normal. But why is this sounding like a competition, as to whose depression is bigger? And why do I need to know you are clinically diagnosed. Is this a permanent disease or state you are in? And people who don't go and pay a doctor and get diagnosed are not depressed?".
That pushed her into silence and she realized what she was coming off sounding like. Now I have also learnt to just purse my lips, when I see this. I think a lot of people feel the need to "belong" even if it is to a "Depressed and diagnosed with anxiety n blah blah club".
I hope this idiotic trend wears off. I find it nonsense. I don't need a doctor to tell me, when I feel hot, cold, happy, unhappy, depressed, have a migraine, a pain in my toe and etc.
If I don't know my truth, no certificate can make it be known to me. Why people don't get that basic...why that fundamental common sense is missing from most people on the planet beats me. But it is alarming and irritating. Between me and my feelings, I don't need a doctor, a interpreter, a certificate giver. I connect to myself, without middlemen of dubious qualifications.
Having said that, not that I am feeling depressed right now. And over the past decade...ever since entering my 30's, I have just never fallen into that deep ditch of depression. Now the ditches are smaller, and I know the drill. I have developed my own mechanisms to deal and climb out.
And sometimes the clouds of depression, that bafflingly descend, seemingly without a rhyme or reason, lift faster. I believe that the reason I ever got lifted out of crushing depression in the first place was Prayer and grace. Sensitive people, who don't have a strong rational, statistical, practical mind need prayer. Infact, I don't want rationalists to come at me with a hatchet, but I sincerely believe, that when you do get afflicted with a very deep dark depression, then you CANNOT think yourself out of it. You need God's grace, to lift you out of it.
And by God, I do not mean religion. I just mean a God, a higher power, higher being, higher consciouness, divine order, Supreme Grace...whatever.
But I knew...I figured it out as a teen, that the world makes sense. There is order. Only it does not make sense to me. But it must make sense to someone...and that someone is God and my friend. Frankly my God has always been that simple and kind.
And when I somehow, because I was not brought up religiously and we had no tradition of prayer in my household, came up with some sort of prayer ritual, all my own, patched together from hearing stories from Mohan Mamaji or reading books or watching movies, or hearing others, or God knows what process of Osmosis, Just got down on my knees and spoke to a God I was not sure was there but I would still believe was there, I got help. I got uplifted and raised. And I got lifted out of the bottom less pit and delivered to the doorstep of Heaven...of Love. The gates were open and nobody to stop me. I had to do nothing to deserve to go sit on the swing with the Goddess of love. She in her radiant, indescribable beauty, just smiled at me and beckoned me. I just had to take that decision and go up to her, and let her love me. From that day, to this, that knowledge has never left me. No matter which dark alley I tumble into, I have the knowledge that there is a open Golden door, Goddess is there and it is Always, Always open for me.
I will always find my way home...I know I am not abandoned nor will ever be rejected. And to each and every God, I thank for this grace.
Sometimes it is that ditch we fall into. Sometimes it is that black cloud that engulfs us. Like a spell of bad weather. You have to endure it. You can hide and shield yourself in some protective layers, but you know that you are trying to counter that weather and endure it in as much comfort as possible.
Sometimes we take those steps, and fall into the ditch of depression. And for some of us the ditch at times runs too deep. Difficult to climb out of, especially if we don't ask for help, or can't get help. That's another thing. I believe when no one can hear or Help, God can. We have to ask though.
At other times, we may have done nothing to invite depression, but like the weather and climate we cannot control, it comes and overwhelms us.
What pisses me is...depression today for some reason has become like a social badge. People start comparing their depressions. "I am more depressed" becomes some kind of character statement. Some kind of social status.
You can't by mistake say "I am feeling depressed, not sure why" before a well meaning friend pounces on you with a veneer of suspicion " What kind of depression? Have you been diagnosed? As in clinically diagnosed? Because I have a certificate from a doc. I even went on prescription pills".
There are about 4-5 friends at a conservative estimate, and I won't even count the acquaintances, that have done this with me over the past few years. Other than the fact that I find it silly (to be polite and spare the french), I find it baffling!
While feeling depressed or having felt depressed is no matter of shame ever, neither is it a bloody achievement. AND what actually pisses me off, and I have to just bite my tongue not to retort, is when you start talking about your mood and your friend starts talking about how they had or have "genuine" depression, and have a certificate to show for it and "Have I been diagnosed?".
To one such friend in Pune....who I know is a wonderful person, kind person and was doing this quite unconsciously, I finally had to ask ...."Hey, I am not doubting you felt depressed. It is perfectly normal. But why is this sounding like a competition, as to whose depression is bigger? And why do I need to know you are clinically diagnosed. Is this a permanent disease or state you are in? And people who don't go and pay a doctor and get diagnosed are not depressed?".
That pushed her into silence and she realized what she was coming off sounding like. Now I have also learnt to just purse my lips, when I see this. I think a lot of people feel the need to "belong" even if it is to a "Depressed and diagnosed with anxiety n blah blah club".
I hope this idiotic trend wears off. I find it nonsense. I don't need a doctor to tell me, when I feel hot, cold, happy, unhappy, depressed, have a migraine, a pain in my toe and etc.
If I don't know my truth, no certificate can make it be known to me. Why people don't get that basic...why that fundamental common sense is missing from most people on the planet beats me. But it is alarming and irritating. Between me and my feelings, I don't need a doctor, a interpreter, a certificate giver. I connect to myself, without middlemen of dubious qualifications.
Having said that, not that I am feeling depressed right now. And over the past decade...ever since entering my 30's, I have just never fallen into that deep ditch of depression. Now the ditches are smaller, and I know the drill. I have developed my own mechanisms to deal and climb out.
And sometimes the clouds of depression, that bafflingly descend, seemingly without a rhyme or reason, lift faster. I believe that the reason I ever got lifted out of crushing depression in the first place was Prayer and grace. Sensitive people, who don't have a strong rational, statistical, practical mind need prayer. Infact, I don't want rationalists to come at me with a hatchet, but I sincerely believe, that when you do get afflicted with a very deep dark depression, then you CANNOT think yourself out of it. You need God's grace, to lift you out of it.
And by God, I do not mean religion. I just mean a God, a higher power, higher being, higher consciouness, divine order, Supreme Grace...whatever.
But I knew...I figured it out as a teen, that the world makes sense. There is order. Only it does not make sense to me. But it must make sense to someone...and that someone is God and my friend. Frankly my God has always been that simple and kind.
And when I somehow, because I was not brought up religiously and we had no tradition of prayer in my household, came up with some sort of prayer ritual, all my own, patched together from hearing stories from Mohan Mamaji or reading books or watching movies, or hearing others, or God knows what process of Osmosis, Just got down on my knees and spoke to a God I was not sure was there but I would still believe was there, I got help. I got uplifted and raised. And I got lifted out of the bottom less pit and delivered to the doorstep of Heaven...of Love. The gates were open and nobody to stop me. I had to do nothing to deserve to go sit on the swing with the Goddess of love. She in her radiant, indescribable beauty, just smiled at me and beckoned me. I just had to take that decision and go up to her, and let her love me. From that day, to this, that knowledge has never left me. No matter which dark alley I tumble into, I have the knowledge that there is a open Golden door, Goddess is there and it is Always, Always open for me.
I will always find my way home...I know I am not abandoned nor will ever be rejected. And to each and every God, I thank for this grace.
But I don't need anyone to tell me in a written word and certified document, a truth I recognize by observation and self experience.
That everyone is prone to depression and sadness. Every person..if they live a length of time, will
experience it.
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