Mine, Me, I

11.27.2018

Maybe Mine was the first cognition. Not I. From Mine came Me, and then I. 

Listening to Nithyananda since past few weeks. It started with mocking him by reacting to the various FB and Whatsapp memes. But as I kept listening, to find amusement, I have instead found wisdom and am impressed by this man.

Behind the bizzare, humorous, clownish facade I have stumbled upon a very learned and intelligent man. His advice is something I know I will imbibe. I have already benefitted by listening to him about the benefits of Harad Powder!

More later. 

11/20/2019 


Update. He is a clown....if you see atleast a 50 videos his weirdness cannot be explained away. Infact recently watched 3 videos by Sarah Landry, formerly a devotee, now on a mission to expose his cult, after realizing she was indeed brain washed. She is very articulate and logical.....and it seems Nithyananda is a silly but extremely clever conman who managed to create a pretty big operation, claiming to be a enlightened Swami (A celibate) and got caught in a most pathetic sex scandal secretly taped by his own driver at that point! we live in a fascinating age. To me this fellow always seemed silly, though even I ...if I kept listening and got past initial clownishness, felt...hey his accent is funny and he is silly in some mannerisms but he is talking logic. This is the proverbial Maya that troubled even God Krishna. Maya is seductive logic, making you unable to distinguish fact from fiction and truth from lies. Maya  does not have good english translation. It can mean razzle dazzle. It can mean delusion. It can mean attachment as well. It can mean bias....English does not have a single word to encompass that depth of meaning.

A link to my other blog on Tumblr.

I liked some of my musings there..

I seem to have written a lot and lost most of it. Lost because I burn my diaries and delete my blogs every few years it seems. I can't say why. I always do it. Some impulse.

but here goes --->

http://lotusmind-blog.tumblr.com/

Annapurna Devi, passed away on 13 oct 2018

For Days, weeks, whenever the thought strikes me again, I have been going to Google and searched "AnnaPurna Devi'. This year especially, an year of losses, has made me aware that we each are like a record of another. A memory keeper and sharer. Everyone passes. Will Pass. Me too.

Today, needing to work, and not knowing where to start at it, I again googled her name by some instinct. Came upon a article -->
https://mumbaimirror.indiatimes.com/others/sunday-read/the-music-of-silence/articleshow/66199979.cms

and was a little way into reading it before I realized, hey what is going on? Has she passed away?! The article is a old one. I recall reading it 5 -6 years back atleast and it seemed to simply be republished 2 days back. Infact I noticed that detail, and it puzzled me, as I thought to myself "Who else is curious about this Lady besides myself. Amongst the people I know, only I ever send friends emails or forwards on her. No one else is even slightly curious. My FB Posts on her get not even 1 reaction. And for some reason, I deleted all my previous blogger posts indiscriminately. I can so clearly recall writing n reading on her. She has been a one of those stories in my Head I cannot wipe away. I have read everything I could read on the internet about her over the years. Multiple times.

So anyways, at first when I saw this photo, inside the article body, I scrolled past it by reflex, thinking it is one of those irritating inset ads. Since the article is not an obituary, but a republish of an years old article in print, republished years later on a digital site, the article does not mention of her passing away.

Some instinct made me pause and look at the picture and my mind said, hey this looks like someone's wake. not an ad. So I looked and the way the picture displays on my Chrome browser page, the caption was not prominent. Then I googled it. And also noticed the caption, to realize the lady had quietly passed away on the 13th of october 2018.

Her students I guess have given her a respectful send off! This #MeToo is what the news channels have been blaring....but real news, is missed because it is non controversial. I pity a nation, so ignorant, as to not know what treasure they have lost to the clutches of time!

I am sad today. I will return to re-write why I have loved this lady, the idea of her being. Why to me she signifies divinity and is an embodiment of a Goddess. Heavens must be happy to have her.

AND I need to stop deleting my blogs! Damn me.

Here are some fascinating articles on her.

https://thewire.in/the-arts/annapurna-devi-the-timeless-legendary-guru

https://www.thehindu.com/entertainment/music/annapurna-devi-a-yogi-who-lived-in-the-marketplace-untouched/article25226614.ece

https://indianexpress.com/article/lifestyle/art-and-culture/an-unheard-melody-annapurna-devi-pt-ravi-shankar-maihar-gharana-indian-classical-musician-5403523/

This one made me cry. A disciple's true homage to his Guru. Precious words---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR2sGAr2IWc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLSLaFnuzhE

#MeToo movement and other random musings

The #MeToo movement has taken the world by storm. Because though we may mock it, anything USA does, the world seems to want to copy it.

So as predicted, it picked up pace and quickly went out of control, following the viral interviews of actress Tanushree Dutta.

And as also predicted, now it has snowballed into a holy mess of vindictive, petty women who are airing personal grievances, political agendas and dead careers in the raging fire.

I am filled with a whole host of reactions. But when I let the muddle headedness of it settle down, I realize I still find myself close to a fundamental truth. And that is, that mass movements are just never ever true.

There is no room for truth in a mob. There is use for a wave of sentiment. And #MeToo is quickly descending to appalling levels of Misandry. It has become a battle of the sexes, instead of being about Truth and correctness. 

Infact I am so angry, I find it hard to write because the rush of feelings muddles my clarity of thought. But I must give it a try. Let me break it down into some objections I have:

1. Why is it Legitimate to say, a woman can claim anything 10,20, 30 years after the fact. How is it logical. ethical. or justified?

2. If inspite of money, freedom and education, it takes you 30 years to wake up to injustice, then what can a society ever do, to enable you to be honest and stand up for your rights?

3. Your claims have no proof, but must be believed, because you are a woman and why would you claim victimhood?

REALLY? I was shocked to see my favorite Sam Harris, even fall prey to this faulty logic! He conducts talk after talk, gently but persistently showing to people the flaws in their logic, yet fails to see the one in his own! Are we all then this blindsided to our follies. Is this an inescapable human folly?

Ok, how can a society function, where inspite of irrefutable proof in science, social facts, police records etc, it is established that People lie, regardless of Gender, if you turn around and say you are a 'rationalist' who considers 'facts as sacred' BUT then assert, that women must be believed if they make a claim after many years, with no hope of ever being able to verify it?

NOW, yes, in the realms of possibility it is possible, that a person can make a truthful claim at any point in life, after the fact, because they are truthful people. It is a possibility. BUT as a listener, you are not abdicated of the moral responsibility of verifying the truth or assertion of truth. You may FEEL it is true. HOW do you Know? How can you substitute Feeling for knowledge and call yourself rational?

A woman has a right, like a man to be able to speak fearlessly. She ought to be heard too. But why must she be believed without question, and why would questioning be made to appear like evil!?

If God can be questioned, why not a Woman's claims? In order to appear 'sensitive' you will sacrifice truth, or seeking truth as the higher good?

I am a woman. Do not tell me, that I am "empowered" by being able to tell a lie, and getting away with it in broad daylight and you are doing something heroic by allowing me to get away with Hyperbole, embellishments and imaginary narratives mixed with half truths. I DO NOT NEED to be held to such a low and corrupt standard.

I am not ever going to be the type of feminist who will say "It's ok if a few men are accused wrongly and we gloss over the lies a bit. It is for the larger good. And Men ought to suffer for eons of Misogyny".

Sorry, when you hurt your toe, chopping off your hair wont help. Two wrongs don't make a right. And I am so baffled at Sam Harris. How is he not getting it!?

A random thought...what is it

So before I loose the thought, and it swims away like a slippery eel, let me trap it and record it.

What if one day the puppet realizes, that the string that is tied to it, and being pulled by the wire puller, can be tugged at by the Puppet too. That there is a control with in itself, though it be a Puppet. Only the Puppet needs to realize?

A few weeks ago, or months ago, I had heard of this phenomenon, known in the scientific world as the phenomenon of 'Quantum Entanglement'.

As per the website link below --

https://www.livescience.com/28550-how-quantum-entanglement-works-infographic.html

Entanglement Theory speaks of a phenomenon where a particle has a entangled particle somewhere in space. It could be so invisible or separated by observable physical space, that you are just not able to see a connection. BUT, when a change happens to one particle, instantly, without any delay, right that micro mili second, or right that moment the entangled second particle flips. it is affected.

This excites my mind..my soul. This sounds like God! doesn't it! 

insight - July 2 2018

Just had an insight - It's not that one is bored of life or what one is doing, hence not doing it. No. I think, it's because you could not care about the outcome. Because we can happily do, mundane, back breaking, mind numbingly boring tasks, if we care about either the why of it or the what will come of it, or both.

It's when we know it's pointless, fruitless, that we somehow can't make ourselves do it. And if we do make ourselves do it...it is half hearted. You can try n convince your mind...but your hearts not in it. And when your hearts not in it....you don't feel alive about it.

You feel dead about it. 

Sigh.

Fuzzy head....strange news and all about Science's revived interest in Psychedelics

Jul 2 2018 --- 

It is a monday. I realize I munch like a maniac...Loud munching....when I am pissed off. Like Violence in the mouth. Grind the words, you can't say, only the words are munchies. Peanuts, Cashewnuts, chips, carrots...whatever.

Sigh.

I have so much to do...but it's like forget on friday and more than half a work day has passed of monday and I cannot remember what I have to do. I have to do something. There is a bloody 20 hour training I need to complete for the AI thing. Coordinate 3 implementations.

And I have nothing else, so I must do these to the best of my ability. No excuse to say I am bored, when I do not even attempt to do what I have to do.

A strange headline has gripped the nation since yesterday. Somewhere in delhi, 11 members of a family were found dead. 10 by hanging and one by strangling. Atleast 9 of the 10 found hanging were also gagged and blindfolded. So far police has advanced 'Occult related mass suicide' as an angle. No one in India trusts the Delhi Police so I don't know what to make of this bizarre claim. I think everyone feels this is a murder and an execution of a whole family. Maybe with time some semblance of truth will come to light.

I am so...bored of writing. Life is the same old repetitive boring pattern of stories. Or maybe it's just  the day. I am so restless and so bored with the usual in life...I don't feel excited enough  to talk about anything. This could also be classic bout of depression. I just want to leave this Job...this city. I need a change!

Now onto Psychedelics. For a long time now I am interested in the topic of LSD. I hate the word drugs, and was born with a (strangely so) hatred of the word Drugs. I cant even figure out why though. No one could tempt me to take drugs. I have never been impressed and all the drug addicts one sees in documentaries are scary as hell. Nothing in movies that is depicted about taking drugs, is at all impressive and would tempt anyone half way sane to try. Infact, I credit Doordarshan serials with scaring living daylights out of me with regards to drugs. All drug addicts were shown looking horrible; black circles and red eyed desperate beggars. That perception stuck. Infact when I read the memoir 'Harley Loco' by the late Rayya Elias, it confirmed that perception. She candidly details her years of being an addict and what levels of addiction and depravity she stumbled into. And it was scary. Unpleasant. I had to stop reading for a while to deal with it. BUT LSD is different. In the confusion of the 60's, people mixed LSD and POT and other drugs. Ever the nature of human psychology and behavior...never to know when something is good enough. One is a mind altering drug that is not addictive, the other one is. And LSD or psychedelic drugs alter the mind very differently. One gives you an experience where you are extra conscious. Another where you are a bit off. And the escapist one..is the addictive one. No guesses. Here is a link to an article on BBC today (July 2 2018). https://www.bbc.com/news/health-44575139 . The article title is "

Could psychedelics transform mental health?"

randomness

As I go through life, I realize I have never found answers to the questions I have asked. I get answers and then keep finding the questions they unlock.

You can stand next to a locked door and then it somehow opens sometimes, but you never know how. What was the key? Where was the key? Who opened it? Why? Why now?

Life has its plans with you and for you, as you have it with life. And yet, in the end, Life always wins.
It comes, It goes.

Another day at work and Random musings

Listening to the Sam Harris Podcast with Geoffrey Miller..who I subscribe to and do a monthly contribution towards. I am grateful for great conversations. It is a rapidly diminishing art.

As usual sitting in office with  nothing to do (work related). Project got over and not yet assigned to a new one.

P pinged me a couple of days back, telling me he got hired at Infy. Very glad to hear it. 

I am seriously hooked to coconut milk now. It's way better and healthier than cow milk as we stand today.

Every time time I see poor abandoned cows on the road, I wish I was a RICH farmer who could take care of all these cows and give them land to move and graze in!

When I don't have a specific task to accomplish I browse news sites. Today's headline is a lady designer called Kate Spade, who took her own life at the age of 55. It makes me think. Why do people who have so much to savor, to fall back on and presumably have a sense of maturity and been through enough turbulence in life, and who have experience to help them sail through tougher times, just give up? 
Again, the question is so ignorant, because really everyone has a unique life, and while others are entertained by observing it, the one living it is feeling and enduring it.

Still it niggles at one's mind. Why would someone with a young growing girl, a lot of money, a brand and a recognition of talent, education and means, and no known disease want to take their life? what happened?

Death is fascinating. We all know we all will die. When someone has things you think you won't mind having yourself, takes their own life, you wonder why. But Natural.

Some Tips... To Do, when you don't want to Do

Listening to some music on Youtube, that is supposed to help with concentration at work, and I think it does help, a bit.

So I need to do my travel claims ...a thing I hate SO much, it has paralyzed my brain for a good 10 days since I returned. Longer. Shucks...16 days. OK. Hmm.

That is a realization and it translates to Nothing. Nothing. No solution, and no motivation. Only mounting dread. I don't know why the world is so jingoistic about this phrase "Realization". Bull crap.

And I am still not any more inspired. No nothing. Damn...I will be in trouble.

Anyways, here is my possibly useless tip. I don't have plural so I can't offer Tips yet. Here goes ....


When you can't actually do it, at least create a folder, and name it aptly, indicating that you have created 'space' to do it. Atleast, it is a start. It IS. It counts. It must.


Sigh...alright....

Bored as Hell but determinedly procastinating

Hmmm


bored as hell. I urgently need to finish some office work. But I just don't want to. I have to. I don't want to. I have been stalling.
And hence I am writing this pointless blog post, so it appears I am doing something while sitting at my desk.

R made me laugh today with her anecdote, how some one farted in the conf room during a meeting, and she could not take it, so she took out her deo from her bag and sprayed it around the room . I am still chuckling at that one. She is one crazy chick.

N on the other hand shocked me with some tid bits she dropped about a friend (of sorts) of hers. I was really shocked. I realize a lot of people consider a lot of shit as normal! And they will tell you such shit is going on in their life, and not even realize how crazy it sounds! 

Anyways...none of this changes the fact that I am BORED. With a Capital B then O ...then...you get the drift don't you.

And I NEED to do this. There is no escape but I am still stalling till I will reach a breaking point when I will HAVE to. I would have walked home, but it is so bloody hot outside..it is a furnance out there.

I should get up n get myself a plate of fruit n stretch my legs. Maybe a bit of sugar will make me then wanna work. Want to work? fat chance though. 

Anyways too bored to even pretend to blog now. So, I did go and get that plate of fruit. Refreshing. Am I inspired to get down and tackle this damned pointless work...Nope.

I waste so much time doing nothing in order to not do what I don't want to do, that I then find I have no time to do anything I want or...haven't even figured out what I want to do, and if I sometimes know what I want to do,  I find myself too drained from the effort it took to do nothing!

Mortality - Kinda always on my mind

For years now, I have been conscious of the passing of time. Of the fact that Living is a Joy but Aging isn't. But it is a marriage literally. Till death do us part. No exception. Life and Aging are inseparable partners.

When I was younger, I often felt so miserable I wanted to die. I did not quite understand what death n dying meant, but dying was the only melodramatic finale' that satisfied one's mental landscape.

After all Dying was looking pretty, draped in a pristine white sheet and flowers on a bed, looking peaceful and picture perfect, at ease while all around you people cried profusely, in regret that they misjudged you, but now it was too late. That is how it was depicted in pictures and that was completely my idea of death. Ridiculous yes...but till one knows any better, one just knows what one just knows.

The weird News headlines

Almost set to travel, but never ever quite set. Flying to Dubai...a destination I hated at first experience, and had declared I will never fly to, and here I am.

Anyways, here is a strange headline encountered. This odd man in Kolkota, India, preserved his mother's body in a freezer with chemicals, so he could keep withdrawing a pension PM, using her thumb impression, for a good 3 years!

talk about Creepy. Finally the 90 year old father..still helplessly lingering on in the house, divulged that she had died and her body was still in the house.

Since we have such high Journalistic standards,  no illuminating details are forthcoming in the article.

Here is the link:

https://www.news18.com/news/india/for-3-years-kolkata-man-withdrew-pension-using-dead-mothers-thumb-impression-1708923.html?ref=hp_top_pos_6

Was reading up on UG. I listen to all the self-help industry stuff, from time to time. Much of it is tosh and my mind rejects it out of sheer boredom. But U.G. strangely ...the anti self help guru as it were, I keep coming back to. I see he contradicts himself at times...but still he is unique in not ever milking people's credulity for some kind of egotistical empire. The knower of God and universe and blah blah.

He will not play people's emotional chords. He is not a manipulator.  He is clever...intelligent, astute, contradictory even in a few things, but he is not unethical, or manipulative.

He refused to be part of any Holy business. I was reading the blog www.ugkrishnamurti.net 

Like he said himself...he has no teaching to impart. Only a warning that the holy business is bunkum and the chase itself is what will prevent you from getting it. A part of me recognizes it as truth, though it does not operate in my life completely.

Snoring and life's other woes

There is no nice way to say this. My maid walked in on me dozing off, snoring away to glory.

She had a shocked expression on her face. It is acutely embarrassing to be caught snoring, but also one of those helpless situations you feel you have no control over.

I googled and some of the helpful suggestions are about making sure you lose belly weight, and always have clear sinuses. Both of these are trouble spots.

Have mixed feelings about flying to Sharjah for work. There are so many restrictions to be observed, it's very unsettling. One does not realize what a carefree and safe environment we get in India and how privileged we are to crib all the time, knowing very well we are safe all the while.

You cannot dress, sit, talk or think freely in Islamic countries. And the message is driven home, when your HR shares several links to articles and a power point deck to make you aware of how you must dress, what kind of fabric, how transparent, which body parts must remain hidden, what you can eat or drink and when, how to shake hands or not...when to look someone in the eye, when not, how to sit in a chair cross legged and to be careful about where your foot is pointing! phew!

Listening to U.G. Krishnamurti for the nth time

I keep coming back to hear this man. A part of me agrees with his expressions. Often I am amused and bemused. Sometimes I totally disagree and feel he has contradicted himself.

I could describe him in several words, but no one around me seems interested in listening. So I sit content knowing if not lakhs, a few thousand people across the earth think like me in the respect of being fond of U.G to some extent.

I find him highly intelligent and entertaining as an orator. He finds the idea of God, as useless, fictional, or rather even more damningly, as "irrelevant".

Now in my state of psychological evolution, I do not claim to know God or prove God to anyone. But I believe in my God. My God. Not your God, their God, Our God...but "My" God.
I realize "My" God is my construct. And I can honestly admit, because it is a fact, that my construct of God is often from borrowed ideas and colored with Prejudice of feelings.

I love and am filled with awe and gratitude that I am lucky enough to be born a Hindu, which is perhaps the only religion on planet earth, so at ease with Atheism, as Atheism is a legitimate and respected tradition of thought, within the fold of Hindu system or Sanatana Dharma.

And I am at ease with both these states of mind. Do I believe in God? Yes.
Why? Because I want to and need to.
How do you know God exists? I don't know. I feel it. But I cannot show you. You are free to arrive at your own conclusions.

Do you understand people, who say, that there is no evidence that there is a God?
Of course yes. There is no evidence, if you define evidence to be 'x and y'. What is to be deemed correct 'evidence' of God? Also, what is  the definition of God?....there are countless definitions if you hear long enough; and how can you agree what 'God' is, when you can't even conclusively define what you mean by 'God'.

Do you feel people who do not believe in God, are bad people? - No way. I find the association between good morals, goodness, morality and belief in God, absurd and patently false and dangerous.

And right here I must stop. A vision flashes before me. We can write words, as many gazillions as stars in the multiverses, and yet never ever ever arrive at a singular truth...ever! 

This question and answer perpetuates itself to eternity.

To sum it up, I need God, which I consider a pure, intelligent, powerful being, who knows the reason for everything I do not understand, and who looks after my interest kindly, justly and unobtrusively.

And as the 14 year old me figured out, and that anguished night, wrote on a piece of paper, with tear drops making the scrap of paper wet, "God I would have invented you, had others before me not invented you first".

I enjoy so many aspects of life. Fundamentally, I love breathing without pain, and thinking without anguish and speaking without fear. These dimensions of being and expression give me pleasure.

These ...if I may are and should remain the basic achievements of every single atom on Earth. To breathe , speak, and think without fear. I am grateful, I really can do so most of the time.

And as long as I have that..I enjoy being on earth. Life may be boring at times, or there may be pain or grief or too much fun and joy...but as long as through it all, I can breathe, think and speak freely, I feel interested in being alive, and I keep stumbling upon things, thoughts and interactions that bring me joy!.

After venturing far and wide into the maze of thinking...I come back to my simple mind. That is where I am usually happiest anyways.

Just another day of being curious about this and that and dreaming of being able to travel safely

All my senses are being bombarded. I am listening to Sam Harris' audio book "Waking up" on youtube. I am typing this blog. I am breathing. Reading blogs, day dreaming and what not. After all, are we humans not multitaskers by nature. Our Body itself is a marvel of multitasking.



Want to travel, but safely. Have to learn, and figure out how I can do that, given that I am socially awkward, don't have a knack of making friends, feel dumb, but hate being treated as one, and always live with anxiety that I don't know how to be street smart and will land into trouble, get cheated and no one will help and it will all melt down into a catastrophic disaster.

Oh well!

So read this blog, and got quite curious about the write-up on bhuj. Especially the reference to the Harrappan ruins: https://srishtygrover.wordpress.com/

Met an old college friend 'M' over the weekend. She has changed, put on weight and seems weighed down with life. Her body reflects her state of mind. Seems to be having a difficult, married life and going through some challenges. Hope she gets through it, because she seems to have lost her Joy....well she always seemed to not really have it...much to do with her family life. I recall how at her wedding, I and another friend were talking to her and her new hubby up on the podium and having a cheerful conversation, when some cousin came sprinting up and said to her in front of us, "All the elder relatives have sent me to tell you, not to laugh so much. You are getting married, and are the bride. Look serious and shy".  I and my other friend Y, were so baffled and looked at each other. I was so shocked and would have said something irreverent but my friend made a sign to me to keep quiet and I did.

We discussed it later and I found it so sad. Today, when I hear M, talk about her nearly two decades of married life, with mostly a shade of regret, a part of me understands, she has right from the start led a very repressed life due to her own family being ridiculously and stupidly dominating. Nothing new. Many millions of girls face this in India and asian societies. But M, inspite of her education, has not been able to break away and rebel. Her rebellion is passive. She has become very set in her ways, and she does not even realize how many of her "so called imposed rules" are actually self imposed.

But this is our collective human condition. Others can see that the door you close yourself inside of, is a Jail. We think, it is our house. Anyways, inspite of all the probs M listed with her married life, she is clear she wants to make it work and wants to stay married. She just wants more peace in it. I cannot advise hence refrained because what do I know about making a marriage to an emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive person work. 

Being me, I would have firmly cut off such a man from my life. Anyone actually. I always do. I see drama and I never hang around to continue to abide by abusers and I find Drama physically unendurable; but then that is my psychology. Most people tend to try to make it work. And who can say which outlook on life is correct. She also has kids in the equation and that is tough for sure....I know. Been through my parents marriage where marital conflict was daily fare...though thankfully it was not physical coz Mom was tough. She would have given it right back....

A easy day at work...and a nice weather. It is still pleasant before the summer creeps in and traps us in it's clutches.

I keep wondering about life and death. What is the meaning of a body, a limited life, a journey where joy and suffering always walk hand in hand. Why does the creator need to create. Why is there never ever any creation without some destruction. Nothing is formed from nothing. Something is formed from something else.

We are mere light bulbs through whom life courses through, and then for some reason our bulb is fused and life just cannot get through us anymore.

hmm....enough brooding. Read Irrfan Khan's tweet today and made a tear drop form in my right eye. I do hope some breakthrough happens in his case, and he survives well on that treatment long and has a good life ahead. He has many more miles to go. Here is what he tweeted....the words make sense ....

"“God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night. These are the words we dimly hear: You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me and Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in. Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me. Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness. Give me your hand #rainermariarilke.”

Well God is always walking, but he has never promised to do magic miracles. He remains silent while we extract those promises from him. Infact, the conviction that God is, is also unproveable , materially.  There is no proof. There is a belief , a trust. A desire to believe. A need to. Rest....there is only one truth. We  all die. and if we die, we must have lived. After all, the very sunlight, we live by, that gives us life, is already dead to the sun, 8 minutes ago...but it is alive and real to us..Now.  The very sky, is alive with dead star light...yet that light is alive to some and dead to some.....and that is the universe!

Irrfan Khan

On 5th March 2018, this amazingly talented actor, tweeted a heartbreaking tweet. Here is the link to his tweet -

https://twitter.com/irrfank/status/970608954601590785/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Ffilm%2F2018%2Fmar%2F06%2Fbollywood-actor-irrfan-khan-reveals-he-has-rare-disease


Still not quite having come to terms with S's passing away, and the utter gut twisting shock of Sridevi's passing away, this came as another shocker.

2018, frankly, has scared me. The world seems to be going towards a apocalypse since over a decade. Without any exception, it is always stressful, anxiety inducing , anger producing to watch the news now. And the world seems to be losing it's best and good at an alarming rate. Why do we have so much tragedy in our world?

People would tell me, but I would not understand how they can ignore news. Why are they not interested in the world they inhabit. Don't they care. But eventually I understood, that we are fed bullshit views of assinine idiots in the garb of "news" and I have begun to tune out and take control of what goes into my ears.

However, as a habit I do open a few news sites and skim the headlines. That is what I did on 5th morning or afternoon and got this unpleasant shock.

Irrfan Khan is a very simple, unglamorous, almost unconventional looking actor. But due to his sheer intelligence, which is what I believe his talent is, he has built a solid fan base and a reputation that can now never be taken away. It is forever, and he is a legend now.

For someone, to do this in Bollywood, where many great actors get forgotten in a decade, it is always a remarkable feat. Besides being a great actor, he is a memory creator. He, with all his plain, understated looks, manages to bring this amazing magic of story telling, in a scene, by his sheer genius of a sideways reaction, he adds a story and a nuance and you walk away, with a memory etched in your brain.

I always liked him by instinct, but over the past few years, have liked him more and more when I heard him speak in his interviews. You hear his interviews and realize, what an intelligent man, and what a great person to hang out with and have great conversations with and listen to. So simply witty, with a calm energy. The funny lines come out without warning, just easily slipping out. In other words, you don't see him "trying" to be funny. He just is. And he enjoys his own jokes.

That is so lovable. Even otherwise his opinions and thoughts, reflect that he is an ethical and sensitive person, some one you can trust to always be properly decent.

I hope every God, every angel blesses him and he is fine. I hate , hate, hate to read such negative news. 

Feeling Lighter today and thankful

The past few days, were hard. Heavy. Sridevi's strange and sudden death, was a emotional, psychological shock, and it affected my mind's attention so much, that the anxiety, sadness, speculation, shock, all of it created a lot of physical stress in my body. Along with the regular monthly stress that visits all of us, I started feeling strange pains in my heart.

Day before yesterday I just started feeling a nameless dread. My heart beat became faster and started racing. I would keep checking my heart rate and it was reading between 87 and 112. Not the the usual 73. I kept slipping into a thought zone of "what is the purpose of life? why is life so unpredictable? why do we strive so hard , hope and plan and why does Life, God, Destiny interrupt. If life is not in our control, why do we keep hoping and planning, only to get knocked down?"

Every person, who has lived past the age of 7, I guess has asked these questions and it would be a fact to say, that most of us never find an answer. However, in between the two dots..Birth and death, we all live. And while few live in comfort, and most in desolate horror, we all experience some feelings through those situations and events.  Feelings of Joy, happiness, love, being cherished, feeling misunderstood, feeling neglected, hurt, angry, in pain etc. etc. etc. 
And while some people have bigger share of what we can all agree is misfortune, everyone suffers.

These are three undeniable facts of life. All who are born and Live, will suffer, will feel hunger and will die. These are undeniable fundamentals.

Rest all is uncertain, especially when we weave hope and want to be certain of it. We hope in the framework of time, but that itself is not a given to us.

Anyways, since yesterday have been feeling better. Today, basically I feel light, as if sunshine is emanating from inside of me. I love the fact that I can do gardening around my house, and take care of my lovely house. A set of activities that is so harmonizing and calming and often very reviving. So grateful for the inner sunshine.

Read a few interesting articles on Vipassana, which I have been thinking about. Will return to that topic a bit later.

I come back to a puzzle, I can never stop wondering at; The Parsi community

Why are the Parsi's so obsessive about their bloodline? After all the first Prophet or Founder, Zarathustra, to whom Ahura Mazda spoke and revealed himself, for the benefit of I would assume human kind, had a message for all, he wanted spread out. 

The very first Parsi's were converts to the religion. And by no account in their known history, Ahura Mazda chose Zarathustra/Zoroaster for this privilege for being Parsi! He was chosen because he was a good man who reflected and  meditated....so why did the Parsi Zoroastrians, fleeing the Islamic persecution in Iran/Persia, finally seeking refuge from King Porus in India, and being allowed to receive sanctuary, became this rabidly obsessive, blood line based exclusive Member's club, where a religion meant to be spread was now to stay contained within a patrimonial blood line, no one quite has a good answer. But it is a custom, and hardly anyone breaks it.

They have reached the point of extinction in a world that is otherwise exploding in over population.
The Parsi's are a rather valuable community to India. Overwhelmingly, their population, even when poor is better than your average citizen. They are intelligent, have a reputation for propriety and honesty, and legendary entrepreneurship.

Here is one rather insightful article on this community:

http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/report-why-parsi-girls-won-t-pick-parsi-boys-for-marriage-1578032

Why the Parsi people, cannot challenge this suicidal interpretation of their Faith is beyond me. Their scriptures are not hidden. They are available, preserved and readable. 

The ideological extremism of their, as it were Priests is  not supported by their own scripture, but sadly the Parsi's don't pick up their own scriptures and verify their facts.

They have chosen to believe and abide by a rather absurd interpretation, and choosing doom for the entire community and as it were race. Might as well. There is after the ISIS blood bath an upsurge in Iranians, who had given up Zoroastrianism,  now converting back, because the message of the faith, is simple, practical and uplifting. They don't have the absurd blood line belief

Really what a tragedy for the Parsi's. Still even with the meagre conversions now, Zoroastrianism is  very minority religion in the world, and will simply be extinct sooner than later. Not the first time it happened in Human History.

http://www.sundayguardianlive.com/culture/6714-vanishing-pointthe-last-remaining-parsis-delhi

And this article is insightful! Parsi's are questioning this rigidity in their ethnic group, and clearly it comes from a patriarchal system, not religion. They recognize it even, but can't change it. They accept that they are ousted. Oh Come on! Fight back. Some tight assed oldies, cannot take your religion away from you by virtue of a whim!



http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/challenges-of-being-parsi-in-a-mixed-marriage


And here is an article that speaks to this march to extinction that they are witnessing in their midst:

https://parsikhabar.net/culture/mumbai-parsis-divided-on-intermarriage/2058/

And here is an article that will make you smile as well. Indeed frozen in time... :)

http://www.vervemagazine.in/arts-and-culture/no-pairing-please-were-parsi-column

Sridevi

2.28.2018 - Where do I start?

There is so much to say, that all those feelings and thoughts rush in all at once and I am overwhelmed and freeze. I literally do not know where to begin and where to end and there is so much that could be said, but never enough.

Let me start with what I am feeling now. The last few days, ever since 25th feb morning when the world heard of this dastardly news of the death of Indian movie Super Mega Star Sridevi, I have been in grief.

Infact, like millions when I saw the Whatsapp message by my Sis in Law at 6 in the morning as I woke up, I dismissed it as a stupid joke. 

I went to the loo, came back and looked at my phone again thinking, what was that I read? I saw two other whatsapp messages by two different people saying the same. By now I was fully awake in shock. How! why! Impossible!!!! 

In fact that is what I instinctively typed and almost sent.."No way!". But I paused. If three unconnected people had messaged me, what was going on.

I went on Google, and it hit me like a kick in the gut. Proper mainstream news websites were headlining it.

And then the ugly media circus of gossip, sensational speculation begun. I don't want to waste words here, at how sick it all is, except, looking at how dirty our press is, and how easily their bull shit is given attention, all I will say I feel, is I wish fame upon no one.

I Totally get why God is silent, invisible and probably happy being considered a myth. Such fickle minded attention, that will shamelessly, thoughtlessly believe the worst of you, is an attention one better live without.

Sridevi was my love and indeed my first and only obsession, starting from an age where I was so innocent, that it always makes me smile how innocent I was. Suffice it to say, I genuinely, unquestionably believed in Heaven that was like Indralok described in Hindi films, I believed In magical, golden glittery Gods and Angels, believed in flying carpets and such whimsical dazzling things. And I thought, Sridevi was the beautifullest of Apsaras from that Land of Gods.

And I was very vocal about my admiration. If anybody told me they did not like Sridevi, I was genuinely baffled and often would get into a really innocent and earnest discussion, because I could not believe any one couldn't like her. It was baffling to me and my earnestness made people laugh or get irritated at me. It earned me a lot of mockery as well, but with my pea brain, I thought it was impossible for anyone not to like SriDevi, and if they didn't they were probably jealous.

I was literally mesmerized by every visual, photo, appearance of her. I would stand still in front of the TV, unblinking till her song ran or her scene played. Anyways...some 20 years later, the obsession simply subsided, replaced by a unshakeable fondness and admiration for her.  But I was not crazy in love anymore. I did not dream for months on end, that somehow I will wake up looking like her or become her daughter.

She got married, left the movies, and we would see photos of her being the perfect mom, doting on her daughters, the perfect demure and pretty wife, epitome of grace and beauty in every single public appearance. She would give rare interviews, but being a once crazy fan I lapped each one of them, and filed them away in my memory.

I would note, with a quiet pride, that she always spoke in gracious terms or spoke nothing at all. Inspite of various theories that people felt the need to express about her, she spoke with unquestionable respect of her mother, and father. She never spoke ill of anyone. She never complained for one second about the childhood she had. Never. Ever. In every interview she spoke well of her hubby and her actions were anyways always louder. 

She had a hard life. She never said it, but undoubtedly her family exploited her and she was their workhorse and livelihood. They all made their lives and fortunes off of Sridevi's stupendous stardom. And it appears they were ungrateful and entitled about it. BUT, never did Sridevi complain.

She was sheltered (read restricted) and deprived of an education. Her finances were handled solely by her mother. A lot of people who can't wait to accuse Sridevi of being a home breaker, don't seem to grasp any human nuance.

I find it pointless to argue with them and they have the sacred privilege to decide what they think and feel, but I feel a few things very strongly.

I feel so heavy....I will come back and pick up from here tomorrow. For now...my beautiful Apsara is in heaven...on a swing and the very Gods and angels are probably singing her praises for a life well lived.

My love for you is timeless, spaceless and weightless. It just is. Sridevi, it's a point that need not be discussed, nor can it be disputed. You are immensely loved and your legacy is profound....it crosses any barriers of time and it will carry on for longer than we will be around to measure.

Love you. 

3.6.2018: Last few days were filled with an obsession about trying to come to terms with the shock of your death, because clearly it makes no sense.
But yesterday it reached a crescendo; I felt my heart just racing, thumping against my chest in uneasiness. I felt a unnamed dread. If this can happen to you, when you were so good, proper, religious, If God would let such a cruel fate befall you, what is in store for us. I could not sleep and became weirdly frantic with worry. Finally had to light lamps, wear self styled amulets and chant Gayatri Mantra, then listen to Vedic hymns, but all to no avail. Finally as dawn broke, I caught some sleep.

It is time to accept that no matter how intense my obsession, I cannot "think" and figure out the mystery surrounding your death.

Was it an accident, was it suicide, was it murder. Why if any of this. why why why. No it will never make sense ever. And I need, for my own mental and physical health,  need to let go and accept that I will never know. I give up, knowing that I have no power or agency to figure this out. 

Your Legendary genius as an artiste, and superstar is something millions of words by 1000's of people...maybe a million people actually or a billion, have already been dedicated. I could just about repeat the same.

Good Bye....I was hearing Elizabeth Taylor's NDE experience. If NDE is true, then you are now fine. If My dream is anything to  take as a clue..the one I shared with S, then you have reached the other side and warmly welcomed. You have other shores to conquer now. Good bye........shine bright and live happy where ever you now are.

2.22.2018 - A really weird story

In the tradition of daily just looking for new stories, I came across this one.

I had a good walk and am somewhat hungry. And I don't know why, I actually start doing office work only around 6 pm.

Here is the link to a really odd story on BBC.

This man was able to fool an entire family ...well the mom, who stayed a fool all her life, albeit a sincere fool, and dragged her helpless children into that web of foolishness with complete sincerity, convinced by the lies of a man, who seemed so pleasant and believable! 

Astounding.....this is the strangest thing I ever read.......

http://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42951788

Rayya Elias - Author: Harley Loco

Last year sometime I read this book, Harley Loco by Rayya Elias. I heard of Rayya Elias, because she became the Lesbian love and eventually the spouse of author Elizabeth Gilbert. Elizabeth Gilbert of the "Eat Pray Love". A phenomenon as a book, a memoir, and a phenomenon because it was so honest, emotional and aspirational and relatable.

Like me millions of women (maybe men too) were inspired, excited and enamored. It was so bleak, sad and yet so hopeful and triumphant. Who does not like that arc? Like no one...because everyone loves a story with that journey, and if it's true, it is a recipe to fall in love with.

At the beginning of Eat Pray Love, the author having walked out of a dead end marriage, a failed hopeless love affair, set out on a Journey of self love & self discovery, and at the end of it, seemed to not only find the rainbow, but a pot of Gold.

She was healed, happy and found new mature love! So, when nearly 10 years later, 9 of which she was married to her husband Jose' Nunes, she announced her split and divorce from Husband because she had realized she was romantically inclined towards a female friend Rayya Elias.

And she also said interestingly that she may not have acknowledged those feelings in herself, had she not been forced to face that her best friend was dying. Rayya Elias was diagnosed with Terminal Pancreatic and Liver cancer.
She passed away after a period of painful illness on Jan 4 2018.

I tend to believe that liz Gilbert is honest and sincere in her expression of her feelings. It is not the first time heterosexual men/women have realized that they care for someone from their own gender.

Maybe Sexuality is gender fluid. Maybe love is a by product of emotional intimacy and so is sexual feeling. Who knows. we live in a very confusing world, where every social order is spoken as if it is normal and then another story tells how it is not normal for that particular story! Ha ha.

So because I was surely curious and while I have sometimes been put-off by the Florence nightingale, self-help guru, world's love savior activist avatar of Liz Gilbert, I still resonate with her gift of expression and many of her spoken and experienced truths as a reader. That connection is true, and holds true regardless of private political opinions or personality of the writer. And therefore I did want to read the book (another memoir, a genre I just love) of her love interest...

I bought the kindle version of Harley Loco and I think in less than a week, if not 2-3 days, I finished the book. I even wrote a messenger review to the author that  must have been complimentary. Can't find it on FB.

But today came across this review on her book. And felt...the article writer just wanted to sound clever or something but what was the review? A 1000 words and nothing tangible conveyed. Did he like it? He seems to accept with disdain that some might like it. He harps that the memoir did not capture history of it's times well....well..WTF? It is a memoir, not a documentary of the decade .....I hate such pretentious reviews by pricks.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/10091954/Harley-Loco-by-Rayya-Elias-review.html


Here is another, better review that captures some of what I felt.

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/jun/14/harley-loco-rayya-elias-review

After reading the book, I understood Rayya had pain and bewilderment and took to paths that were wrong, but I guess I no more understood why, she took to that path, any more than Rayya herself would have. But she was remarkably honest, gutsy and genuine and it speaks to that, that in the end, she was truly truly loved.

It is amazing to see the love Liz Gilbert had for her. Has for her. At
 once tender and fierce and loyal.

I pray Liz emerges from this somehow happy and strong. 

2.21.2018

Just walked into office. A nice day. The maid did a lot of work around the house by her own initiative. She talks a lot, but she is a good soul overall.

The day is warm. The winter I daresay is officially over. Spent a good 10 mins trying and finally succeeding in stuffing the quilt back into it's tiny plastic zipped bag. Quite a invigorating workout.

Somehow, day feels very happy. Everyone feels light. Met I  in the lift. That Sardarji always makes me laugh. He is rather witty.

So at my desk and R, who has herself lost a significant amount of weight following a regimen of good diet and yoga, asked me if I was dieting because I seemed to have lost weight.

I told her that I was not dieting which is 100% true. But with the shock of S's death, where for a few days I really couldn't eat well out of stress and shock really, and then immediately falling sick with a cold, I didn't eat my usual for over 2 weeks and that must be showing. Yesterday Papa also commented same.

Since I feel lighter and better overall, other than the strange pain around right side of my chest, sometime my heart area on left side, and sometimes mid back on right side, as well as the right arm and forearm, where there is this strange pain at a sudden angle..sometimes radiating to the right thumb for over a few months now...other than this I feel pretty healthy.


So came across this guy on You tube running a You Tube channel called "mindbodyspirit". He is a young man...28..and is a calm, relaxed, intelligent speaker. He has been meditating since he was 8. And he has produced good content of Affirmations and Law of Attraction. I liked listening and tend to agree to a lot he says as it resonates.


I sat down to work, logged in and as usual my mind goes "find a story" rather than do work. Ha ha. Nothing new. Story telling should be my work man! And Amen to that.

For some reason ..and I think the association would be 'Meditation' Vinod Khanna popped to my mind. Vinod Khanna, besides being a superstar in the 70's and late 80's was also a very famous disciple of the often infamous Osho Rajneesh. And while Osho rose to and fell from grace, Vinod Khanna, as a simple, solid, dependable, emotionally uncomplicated pathan, remained loyal to his Guru through any public image. When I witness my Cousin Bhaiya R, display similar unshakable faith in Asaram Bapu, I understand this to a certain level. 

I don't fully comprehend it...but I recognize this loyalty. I have seen it in several people. I really explain it as a conviction of the heart that cannot be shaken from outside. If it shatters anytime, it has to be from inside only.

So came across this website/blog on Vinod Khanna. Reading it with a degree of interest.
https://www.thequint.com/entertainment/vinod-khanna-birthday-osho-rajneesh-bollywood-osho-ashram-akshaye-khanna-bjp-mp-gurdaspur-lok-sabha-elections

Nothing new....I have read all of these similar tid bits several times before, over the years, but still....

Also listening to "Heartfulness Meditation" by a certain Daaji. Interesting listening. He calls for focusing on the heart area but emphasizes it is not concentration. At present I cannot figure out how there is a difference and he maintains that distinction, but pleasant listening no doubt.

Anyways, the blog started and ended. Disappointing.

So what now...nothing.