There is so much to say, that all those feelings and thoughts rush in all at once and I am overwhelmed and freeze. I literally do not know where to begin and where to end and there is so much that could be said, but never enough.
Let me start with what I am feeling now. The last few days, ever since 25th feb morning when the world heard of this dastardly news of the death of Indian movie Super Mega Star Sridevi, I have been in grief.
Infact, like millions when I saw the Whatsapp message by my Sis in Law at 6 in the morning as I woke up, I dismissed it as a stupid joke.
I went to the loo, came back and looked at my phone again thinking, what was that I read? I saw two other whatsapp messages by two different people saying the same. By now I was fully awake in shock. How! why! Impossible!!!!
In fact that is what I instinctively typed and almost sent.."No way!". But I paused. If three unconnected people had messaged me, what was going on.
I went on Google, and it hit me like a kick in the gut. Proper mainstream news websites were headlining it.
And then the ugly media circus of gossip, sensational speculation begun. I don't want to waste words here, at how sick it all is, except, looking at how dirty our press is, and how easily their bull shit is given attention, all I will say I feel, is I wish fame upon no one.
I Totally get why God is silent, invisible and probably happy being considered a myth. Such fickle minded attention, that will shamelessly, thoughtlessly believe the worst of you, is an attention one better live without.
Sridevi was my love and indeed my first and only obsession, starting from an age where I was so innocent, that it always makes me smile how innocent I was. Suffice it to say, I genuinely, unquestionably believed in Heaven that was like Indralok described in Hindi films, I believed In magical, golden glittery Gods and Angels, believed in flying carpets and such whimsical dazzling things. And I thought, Sridevi was the beautifullest of Apsaras from that Land of Gods.
And I was very vocal about my admiration. If anybody told me they did not like Sridevi, I was genuinely baffled and often would get into a really innocent and earnest discussion, because I could not believe any one couldn't like her. It was baffling to me and my earnestness made people laugh or get irritated at me. It earned me a lot of mockery as well, but with my pea brain, I thought it was impossible for anyone not to like SriDevi, and if they didn't they were probably jealous.
I was literally mesmerized by every visual, photo, appearance of her. I would stand still in front of the TV, unblinking till her song ran or her scene played. Anyways...some 20 years later, the obsession simply subsided, replaced by a unshakeable fondness and admiration for her. But I was not crazy in love anymore. I did not dream for months on end, that somehow I will wake up looking like her or become her daughter.
She got married, left the movies, and we would see photos of her being the perfect mom, doting on her daughters, the perfect demure and pretty wife, epitome of grace and beauty in every single public appearance. She would give rare interviews, but being a once crazy fan I lapped each one of them, and filed them away in my memory.
I would note, with a quiet pride, that she always spoke in gracious terms or spoke nothing at all. Inspite of various theories that people felt the need to express about her, she spoke with unquestionable respect of her mother, and father. She never spoke ill of anyone. She never complained for one second about the childhood she had. Never. Ever. In every interview she spoke well of her hubby and her actions were anyways always louder.
She had a hard life. She never said it, but undoubtedly her family exploited her and she was their workhorse and livelihood. They all made their lives and fortunes off of Sridevi's stupendous stardom. And it appears they were ungrateful and entitled about it. BUT, never did Sridevi complain.
She was sheltered (read restricted) and deprived of an education. Her finances were handled solely by her mother. A lot of people who can't wait to accuse Sridevi of being a home breaker, don't seem to grasp any human nuance.
I find it pointless to argue with them and they have the sacred privilege to decide what they think and feel, but I feel a few things very strongly.
I feel so heavy....I will come back and pick up from here tomorrow. For now...my beautiful Apsara is in heaven...on a swing and the very Gods and angels are probably singing her praises for a life well lived.
My love for you is timeless, spaceless and weightless. It just is. Sridevi, it's a point that need not be discussed, nor can it be disputed. You are immensely loved and your legacy is profound....it crosses any barriers of time and it will carry on for longer than we will be around to measure.
Love you.
3.6.2018: Last few days were filled with an obsession about trying to come to terms with the shock of your death, because clearly it makes no sense.
But yesterday it reached a crescendo; I felt my heart just racing, thumping against my chest in uneasiness. I felt a unnamed dread. If this can happen to you, when you were so good, proper, religious, If God would let such a cruel fate befall you, what is in store for us. I could not sleep and became weirdly frantic with worry. Finally had to light lamps, wear self styled amulets and chant Gayatri Mantra, then listen to Vedic hymns, but all to no avail. Finally as dawn broke, I caught some sleep.
It is time to accept that no matter how intense my obsession, I cannot "think" and figure out the mystery surrounding your death.
Was it an accident, was it suicide, was it murder. Why if any of this. why why why. No it will never make sense ever. And I need, for my own mental and physical health, need to let go and accept that I will never know. I give up, knowing that I have no power or agency to figure this out.
Your Legendary genius as an artiste, and superstar is something millions of words by 1000's of people...maybe a million people actually or a billion, have already been dedicated. I could just about repeat the same.
Good Bye....I was hearing Elizabeth Taylor's NDE experience. If NDE is true, then you are now fine. If My dream is anything to take as a clue..the one I shared with S, then you have reached the other side and warmly welcomed. You have other shores to conquer now. Good bye........shine bright and live happy where ever you now are.
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