Snoring and life's other woes

There is no nice way to say this. My maid walked in on me dozing off, snoring away to glory.

She had a shocked expression on her face. It is acutely embarrassing to be caught snoring, but also one of those helpless situations you feel you have no control over.

I googled and some of the helpful suggestions are about making sure you lose belly weight, and always have clear sinuses. Both of these are trouble spots.

Have mixed feelings about flying to Sharjah for work. There are so many restrictions to be observed, it's very unsettling. One does not realize what a carefree and safe environment we get in India and how privileged we are to crib all the time, knowing very well we are safe all the while.

You cannot dress, sit, talk or think freely in Islamic countries. And the message is driven home, when your HR shares several links to articles and a power point deck to make you aware of how you must dress, what kind of fabric, how transparent, which body parts must remain hidden, what you can eat or drink and when, how to shake hands or not...when to look someone in the eye, when not, how to sit in a chair cross legged and to be careful about where your foot is pointing! phew!

Listening to U.G. Krishnamurti for the nth time

I keep coming back to hear this man. A part of me agrees with his expressions. Often I am amused and bemused. Sometimes I totally disagree and feel he has contradicted himself.

I could describe him in several words, but no one around me seems interested in listening. So I sit content knowing if not lakhs, a few thousand people across the earth think like me in the respect of being fond of U.G to some extent.

I find him highly intelligent and entertaining as an orator. He finds the idea of God, as useless, fictional, or rather even more damningly, as "irrelevant".

Now in my state of psychological evolution, I do not claim to know God or prove God to anyone. But I believe in my God. My God. Not your God, their God, Our God...but "My" God.
I realize "My" God is my construct. And I can honestly admit, because it is a fact, that my construct of God is often from borrowed ideas and colored with Prejudice of feelings.

I love and am filled with awe and gratitude that I am lucky enough to be born a Hindu, which is perhaps the only religion on planet earth, so at ease with Atheism, as Atheism is a legitimate and respected tradition of thought, within the fold of Hindu system or Sanatana Dharma.

And I am at ease with both these states of mind. Do I believe in God? Yes.
Why? Because I want to and need to.
How do you know God exists? I don't know. I feel it. But I cannot show you. You are free to arrive at your own conclusions.

Do you understand people, who say, that there is no evidence that there is a God?
Of course yes. There is no evidence, if you define evidence to be 'x and y'. What is to be deemed correct 'evidence' of God? Also, what is  the definition of God?....there are countless definitions if you hear long enough; and how can you agree what 'God' is, when you can't even conclusively define what you mean by 'God'.

Do you feel people who do not believe in God, are bad people? - No way. I find the association between good morals, goodness, morality and belief in God, absurd and patently false and dangerous.

And right here I must stop. A vision flashes before me. We can write words, as many gazillions as stars in the multiverses, and yet never ever ever arrive at a singular truth...ever! 

This question and answer perpetuates itself to eternity.

To sum it up, I need God, which I consider a pure, intelligent, powerful being, who knows the reason for everything I do not understand, and who looks after my interest kindly, justly and unobtrusively.

And as the 14 year old me figured out, and that anguished night, wrote on a piece of paper, with tear drops making the scrap of paper wet, "God I would have invented you, had others before me not invented you first".

I enjoy so many aspects of life. Fundamentally, I love breathing without pain, and thinking without anguish and speaking without fear. These dimensions of being and expression give me pleasure.

These ...if I may are and should remain the basic achievements of every single atom on Earth. To breathe , speak, and think without fear. I am grateful, I really can do so most of the time.

And as long as I have that..I enjoy being on earth. Life may be boring at times, or there may be pain or grief or too much fun and joy...but as long as through it all, I can breathe, think and speak freely, I feel interested in being alive, and I keep stumbling upon things, thoughts and interactions that bring me joy!.

After venturing far and wide into the maze of thinking...I come back to my simple mind. That is where I am usually happiest anyways.

Just another day of being curious about this and that and dreaming of being able to travel safely

All my senses are being bombarded. I am listening to Sam Harris' audio book "Waking up" on youtube. I am typing this blog. I am breathing. Reading blogs, day dreaming and what not. After all, are we humans not multitaskers by nature. Our Body itself is a marvel of multitasking.



Want to travel, but safely. Have to learn, and figure out how I can do that, given that I am socially awkward, don't have a knack of making friends, feel dumb, but hate being treated as one, and always live with anxiety that I don't know how to be street smart and will land into trouble, get cheated and no one will help and it will all melt down into a catastrophic disaster.

Oh well!

So read this blog, and got quite curious about the write-up on bhuj. Especially the reference to the Harrappan ruins: https://srishtygrover.wordpress.com/

Met an old college friend 'M' over the weekend. She has changed, put on weight and seems weighed down with life. Her body reflects her state of mind. Seems to be having a difficult, married life and going through some challenges. Hope she gets through it, because she seems to have lost her Joy....well she always seemed to not really have it...much to do with her family life. I recall how at her wedding, I and another friend were talking to her and her new hubby up on the podium and having a cheerful conversation, when some cousin came sprinting up and said to her in front of us, "All the elder relatives have sent me to tell you, not to laugh so much. You are getting married, and are the bride. Look serious and shy".  I and my other friend Y, were so baffled and looked at each other. I was so shocked and would have said something irreverent but my friend made a sign to me to keep quiet and I did.

We discussed it later and I found it so sad. Today, when I hear M, talk about her nearly two decades of married life, with mostly a shade of regret, a part of me understands, she has right from the start led a very repressed life due to her own family being ridiculously and stupidly dominating. Nothing new. Many millions of girls face this in India and asian societies. But M, inspite of her education, has not been able to break away and rebel. Her rebellion is passive. She has become very set in her ways, and she does not even realize how many of her "so called imposed rules" are actually self imposed.

But this is our collective human condition. Others can see that the door you close yourself inside of, is a Jail. We think, it is our house. Anyways, inspite of all the probs M listed with her married life, she is clear she wants to make it work and wants to stay married. She just wants more peace in it. I cannot advise hence refrained because what do I know about making a marriage to an emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive person work. 

Being me, I would have firmly cut off such a man from my life. Anyone actually. I always do. I see drama and I never hang around to continue to abide by abusers and I find Drama physically unendurable; but then that is my psychology. Most people tend to try to make it work. And who can say which outlook on life is correct. She also has kids in the equation and that is tough for sure....I know. Been through my parents marriage where marital conflict was daily fare...though thankfully it was not physical coz Mom was tough. She would have given it right back....

A easy day at work...and a nice weather. It is still pleasant before the summer creeps in and traps us in it's clutches.

I keep wondering about life and death. What is the meaning of a body, a limited life, a journey where joy and suffering always walk hand in hand. Why does the creator need to create. Why is there never ever any creation without some destruction. Nothing is formed from nothing. Something is formed from something else.

We are mere light bulbs through whom life courses through, and then for some reason our bulb is fused and life just cannot get through us anymore.

hmm....enough brooding. Read Irrfan Khan's tweet today and made a tear drop form in my right eye. I do hope some breakthrough happens in his case, and he survives well on that treatment long and has a good life ahead. He has many more miles to go. Here is what he tweeted....the words make sense ....

"“God speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night. These are the words we dimly hear: You, sent out beyond your recall, go to the limits of your longing. Embody me and Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in. Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final. Don’t let yourself lose me. Nearby is the country they call life. You will know it by its seriousness. Give me your hand #rainermariarilke.”

Well God is always walking, but he has never promised to do magic miracles. He remains silent while we extract those promises from him. Infact, the conviction that God is, is also unproveable , materially.  There is no proof. There is a belief , a trust. A desire to believe. A need to. Rest....there is only one truth. We  all die. and if we die, we must have lived. After all, the very sunlight, we live by, that gives us life, is already dead to the sun, 8 minutes ago...but it is alive and real to us..Now.  The very sky, is alive with dead star light...yet that light is alive to some and dead to some.....and that is the universe!

Irrfan Khan

On 5th March 2018, this amazingly talented actor, tweeted a heartbreaking tweet. Here is the link to his tweet -

https://twitter.com/irrfank/status/970608954601590785/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Ffilm%2F2018%2Fmar%2F06%2Fbollywood-actor-irrfan-khan-reveals-he-has-rare-disease


Still not quite having come to terms with S's passing away, and the utter gut twisting shock of Sridevi's passing away, this came as another shocker.

2018, frankly, has scared me. The world seems to be going towards a apocalypse since over a decade. Without any exception, it is always stressful, anxiety inducing , anger producing to watch the news now. And the world seems to be losing it's best and good at an alarming rate. Why do we have so much tragedy in our world?

People would tell me, but I would not understand how they can ignore news. Why are they not interested in the world they inhabit. Don't they care. But eventually I understood, that we are fed bullshit views of assinine idiots in the garb of "news" and I have begun to tune out and take control of what goes into my ears.

However, as a habit I do open a few news sites and skim the headlines. That is what I did on 5th morning or afternoon and got this unpleasant shock.

Irrfan Khan is a very simple, unglamorous, almost unconventional looking actor. But due to his sheer intelligence, which is what I believe his talent is, he has built a solid fan base and a reputation that can now never be taken away. It is forever, and he is a legend now.

For someone, to do this in Bollywood, where many great actors get forgotten in a decade, it is always a remarkable feat. Besides being a great actor, he is a memory creator. He, with all his plain, understated looks, manages to bring this amazing magic of story telling, in a scene, by his sheer genius of a sideways reaction, he adds a story and a nuance and you walk away, with a memory etched in your brain.

I always liked him by instinct, but over the past few years, have liked him more and more when I heard him speak in his interviews. You hear his interviews and realize, what an intelligent man, and what a great person to hang out with and have great conversations with and listen to. So simply witty, with a calm energy. The funny lines come out without warning, just easily slipping out. In other words, you don't see him "trying" to be funny. He just is. And he enjoys his own jokes.

That is so lovable. Even otherwise his opinions and thoughts, reflect that he is an ethical and sensitive person, some one you can trust to always be properly decent.

I hope every God, every angel blesses him and he is fine. I hate , hate, hate to read such negative news. 

Feeling Lighter today and thankful

The past few days, were hard. Heavy. Sridevi's strange and sudden death, was a emotional, psychological shock, and it affected my mind's attention so much, that the anxiety, sadness, speculation, shock, all of it created a lot of physical stress in my body. Along with the regular monthly stress that visits all of us, I started feeling strange pains in my heart.

Day before yesterday I just started feeling a nameless dread. My heart beat became faster and started racing. I would keep checking my heart rate and it was reading between 87 and 112. Not the the usual 73. I kept slipping into a thought zone of "what is the purpose of life? why is life so unpredictable? why do we strive so hard , hope and plan and why does Life, God, Destiny interrupt. If life is not in our control, why do we keep hoping and planning, only to get knocked down?"

Every person, who has lived past the age of 7, I guess has asked these questions and it would be a fact to say, that most of us never find an answer. However, in between the two dots..Birth and death, we all live. And while few live in comfort, and most in desolate horror, we all experience some feelings through those situations and events.  Feelings of Joy, happiness, love, being cherished, feeling misunderstood, feeling neglected, hurt, angry, in pain etc. etc. etc. 
And while some people have bigger share of what we can all agree is misfortune, everyone suffers.

These are three undeniable facts of life. All who are born and Live, will suffer, will feel hunger and will die. These are undeniable fundamentals.

Rest all is uncertain, especially when we weave hope and want to be certain of it. We hope in the framework of time, but that itself is not a given to us.

Anyways, since yesterday have been feeling better. Today, basically I feel light, as if sunshine is emanating from inside of me. I love the fact that I can do gardening around my house, and take care of my lovely house. A set of activities that is so harmonizing and calming and often very reviving. So grateful for the inner sunshine.

Read a few interesting articles on Vipassana, which I have been thinking about. Will return to that topic a bit later.

I come back to a puzzle, I can never stop wondering at; The Parsi community

Why are the Parsi's so obsessive about their bloodline? After all the first Prophet or Founder, Zarathustra, to whom Ahura Mazda spoke and revealed himself, for the benefit of I would assume human kind, had a message for all, he wanted spread out. 

The very first Parsi's were converts to the religion. And by no account in their known history, Ahura Mazda chose Zarathustra/Zoroaster for this privilege for being Parsi! He was chosen because he was a good man who reflected and  meditated....so why did the Parsi Zoroastrians, fleeing the Islamic persecution in Iran/Persia, finally seeking refuge from King Porus in India, and being allowed to receive sanctuary, became this rabidly obsessive, blood line based exclusive Member's club, where a religion meant to be spread was now to stay contained within a patrimonial blood line, no one quite has a good answer. But it is a custom, and hardly anyone breaks it.

They have reached the point of extinction in a world that is otherwise exploding in over population.
The Parsi's are a rather valuable community to India. Overwhelmingly, their population, even when poor is better than your average citizen. They are intelligent, have a reputation for propriety and honesty, and legendary entrepreneurship.

Here is one rather insightful article on this community:

http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/report-why-parsi-girls-won-t-pick-parsi-boys-for-marriage-1578032

Why the Parsi people, cannot challenge this suicidal interpretation of their Faith is beyond me. Their scriptures are not hidden. They are available, preserved and readable. 

The ideological extremism of their, as it were Priests is  not supported by their own scripture, but sadly the Parsi's don't pick up their own scriptures and verify their facts.

They have chosen to believe and abide by a rather absurd interpretation, and choosing doom for the entire community and as it were race. Might as well. There is after the ISIS blood bath an upsurge in Iranians, who had given up Zoroastrianism,  now converting back, because the message of the faith, is simple, practical and uplifting. They don't have the absurd blood line belief

Really what a tragedy for the Parsi's. Still even with the meagre conversions now, Zoroastrianism is  very minority religion in the world, and will simply be extinct sooner than later. Not the first time it happened in Human History.

http://www.sundayguardianlive.com/culture/6714-vanishing-pointthe-last-remaining-parsis-delhi

And this article is insightful! Parsi's are questioning this rigidity in their ethnic group, and clearly it comes from a patriarchal system, not religion. They recognize it even, but can't change it. They accept that they are ousted. Oh Come on! Fight back. Some tight assed oldies, cannot take your religion away from you by virtue of a whim!



http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/challenges-of-being-parsi-in-a-mixed-marriage


And here is an article that speaks to this march to extinction that they are witnessing in their midst:

https://parsikhabar.net/culture/mumbai-parsis-divided-on-intermarriage/2058/

And here is an article that will make you smile as well. Indeed frozen in time... :)

http://www.vervemagazine.in/arts-and-culture/no-pairing-please-were-parsi-column