At work. Have work to do and complete. I will do it.
Waiting for my OTG. I want to with discipline get down to baking and master 1 cake, 1 bread , and 1 cookie. Kaizen. Just one thing perfectly.
Reading news sites and listening to an Oprah super soul podcast with Pema Chodron.
Read a news article that made me go hmm...
https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/a-daredevil-died-doing-pullups-off-a-skyscraper-in-china-1786640?pfrom=home-topstories
About a young 26 year old chinese man, who performed dare devil stunts. On this stunt where he is hanging from the rooftop edge of a high-rise, doing pull ups. three pull ups and the 4th one he slips and fell to his death.
I wonder what he felt. was he really focused and confident like on all other days when he cheated death? or did he have a signal from his gut that told him 'stop' and he did not listen.
Was he conscious through his fall and impact and painful death? or did he zone out and get out of his body.
I wonder.
The funny thing about life; when one can't figure out life in youth, one just wants time to pass till one can grow old enough, so that people can stop telling you what you can be, what potential you are wasting and yada yada yada.
And then one day you realize you do know what you want and why and Youth's passed you by. You feel out of place because the stage is always more welcoming of the youth when they are trying. The young are allowed to blunder...to yearn ..to be brazen and overconfident. Their failures are amusing and cute. Try the same things when you are older and you become a laughing stock.
Youth is also a very integral part of desire. There is no desire when you start aging. Youth has a suppleness and glow. The elephant skin of old age is hardly the canvas for yearning and love and lust and color and glow.
It's such a conundrum. I don't know if there is another birth. But if there is, I want to learn everything now so that I am super confident in my next birth.
is there a next birth? If yes..then how do we know for sure.
If we are all but clay...we can be broken and reshaped. But does burnt clay ever like new clay?
Is there even a soul. Or are we just a memory box thinking we are conscious and have souls. However we do grow. Like trees. Don't we.
I am sounding distinctly unintellectual. I must get to my work. When will I be busy and have a large busy network of friends so that I stop feeling that I am a failure in society and the world and don't fit in anywhere.
I never feel confident. I am tired of pretending. It's hard because showing your vulnerability all the time is a certified death sentence. Have to have some defences up. Have to have an immune system.
I wish I could fearlessly travel all of India. But I fear. I could get raped, mugged and murdered. Could I afford it. If I meet conmen and cheats along the way..I lack the ability to laugh it off. it spoils my entire day.
A house seems to be the safer cocoon. Only sometimes it does get boring. And I know between boring and risk....I always choose boring. I am totally unsure I can handle challenges with flair and dignity. Reliving how I survived tough situations is sometimes just as traumatic as having experienced the situation.
And I have a strong mental notion of what is good. When I went out into the world without mental notions...as a empty slate...I had traumatic experiences several times. Obviously not all the time, because i have had a nice good life with kind people all along...but kindness..just general kindness one takes for granted. Like a nice day or a good weather. One forgets that it is magical and to be thankful for it.
I don't know why I am so fundamentally unsure and unconfident.
I can isolate myself in my misery. When I don't get attention I can feel rejected. I don't want to hang around a group that seems to get it with each other. I never do. i always feel I am missing some hidden sign language. Some sub text when I am in the room. Others know what is going on and I don't.
Always.
It's tough. My mind defeats me. My mind should make me win too right. The same door I feel through..has another side. The same door.
The funny thing about life; when one can't figure out life in youth, one just wants time to pass till one can grow old enough, so that people can stop telling you what you can be, what potential you are wasting and yada yada yada.
And then one day you realize you do know what you want and why and Youth's passed you by. You feel out of place because the stage is always more welcoming of the youth when they are trying. The young are allowed to blunder...to yearn ..to be brazen and overconfident. Their failures are amusing and cute. Try the same things when you are older and you become a laughing stock.
Youth is also a very integral part of desire. There is no desire when you start aging. Youth has a suppleness and glow. The elephant skin of old age is hardly the canvas for yearning and love and lust and color and glow.
It's such a conundrum. I don't know if there is another birth. But if there is, I want to learn everything now so that I am super confident in my next birth.
is there a next birth? If yes..then how do we know for sure.
If we are all but clay...we can be broken and reshaped. But does burnt clay ever like new clay?
Is there even a soul. Or are we just a memory box thinking we are conscious and have souls. However we do grow. Like trees. Don't we.
I am sounding distinctly unintellectual. I must get to my work. When will I be busy and have a large busy network of friends so that I stop feeling that I am a failure in society and the world and don't fit in anywhere.
I never feel confident. I am tired of pretending. It's hard because showing your vulnerability all the time is a certified death sentence. Have to have some defences up. Have to have an immune system.
I wish I could fearlessly travel all of India. But I fear. I could get raped, mugged and murdered. Could I afford it. If I meet conmen and cheats along the way..I lack the ability to laugh it off. it spoils my entire day.
A house seems to be the safer cocoon. Only sometimes it does get boring. And I know between boring and risk....I always choose boring. I am totally unsure I can handle challenges with flair and dignity. Reliving how I survived tough situations is sometimes just as traumatic as having experienced the situation.
And I have a strong mental notion of what is good. When I went out into the world without mental notions...as a empty slate...I had traumatic experiences several times. Obviously not all the time, because i have had a nice good life with kind people all along...but kindness..just general kindness one takes for granted. Like a nice day or a good weather. One forgets that it is magical and to be thankful for it.
I don't know why I am so fundamentally unsure and unconfident.
I can isolate myself in my misery. When I don't get attention I can feel rejected. I don't want to hang around a group that seems to get it with each other. I never do. i always feel I am missing some hidden sign language. Some sub text when I am in the room. Others know what is going on and I don't.
Always.
It's tough. My mind defeats me. My mind should make me win too right. The same door I feel through..has another side. The same door.
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